Soul deep
Chris does want to continue seeing me, he says. He is still a bit pissed off at Nic because he thinks that Nic took advantage of me. He's pissed because he has spent all these months earning my trust and getting me used to physical intimacy, and I went and slept with Nic and now I'm not sure when I'll want to do that again. But, he says he likes me and cares about me and he knows that I've been under a lot of stress and the last thing he wants to do is add to it. I was supposed to go out with him tonite, but he had to cancel. One of his nephews is sick and his sister asked him to babysit the other one so she could take him to urgent care. So we will spend some time together tomorrow afternoon, instead.
And god I miss Nic. I'm feeling better, but my soul aches. Damn, but he touched me in ways no man ever has. Got me in ways I never expected to be understood. And we connected in ways I knew were were possible, but not for me. I missed him so much I called his cell just so I could hear his voicemail message. I didn't expect him to answer, but he did. He was out shopping for gifts for his kids' birthdays. I told him that this is going to be very difficult, trying to work out being friends when I miss him so much. He agreed, and laughed an odd laugh. I asked him what was up, and he said its not fair that I call him when he's out in public, because the sound of my voice makes him instantly hard. Oops. It wasn't fair, so I let him go, even though I didn't want to.
What am I thinking? Why can't I love Chris like I love Nic? I don't understand it. Chris is a good man. He's very smart, very funny, very kind. He smells divine. He has huge hands that are so gentle when he touches me... But he's not Nic. I could close that wound, cauterize it and seal it up and never look back, but I don't want to. What I think does not matter, it is my heart that rules for now, and I'm so new to the way this feels, I'm worried if I cut myself off from it I'll not bother tryng to regain it. I'm trying to find that balance between clinging and shoving away. I'll keep trying. And trying. I want Nick to be a part of my life. It is unthinkable to me that someone I love so deeply would no longer be there.
Oh, and I found my libido last night. Thank goodness. I was really beginning to miss it.
And god I miss Nic. I'm feeling better, but my soul aches. Damn, but he touched me in ways no man ever has. Got me in ways I never expected to be understood. And we connected in ways I knew were were possible, but not for me. I missed him so much I called his cell just so I could hear his voicemail message. I didn't expect him to answer, but he did. He was out shopping for gifts for his kids' birthdays. I told him that this is going to be very difficult, trying to work out being friends when I miss him so much. He agreed, and laughed an odd laugh. I asked him what was up, and he said its not fair that I call him when he's out in public, because the sound of my voice makes him instantly hard. Oops. It wasn't fair, so I let him go, even though I didn't want to.
What am I thinking? Why can't I love Chris like I love Nic? I don't understand it. Chris is a good man. He's very smart, very funny, very kind. He smells divine. He has huge hands that are so gentle when he touches me... But he's not Nic. I could close that wound, cauterize it and seal it up and never look back, but I don't want to. What I think does not matter, it is my heart that rules for now, and I'm so new to the way this feels, I'm worried if I cut myself off from it I'll not bother tryng to regain it. I'm trying to find that balance between clinging and shoving away. I'll keep trying. And trying. I want Nick to be a part of my life. It is unthinkable to me that someone I love so deeply would no longer be there.
Oh, and I found my libido last night. Thank goodness. I was really beginning to miss it.
posted by KR | 10/29/2005 11:11:00 PM
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