Going out of town

So... hmm. I'm flying out of PDX tomorrow nite. I'll be back late on Sunday. I need a change of scenery, and I'll have the opportunity to see someone I love. Hard to beat that.

Still not interested in food. Got really lightheaded at work and realized I hadn't eaten in a day and a half, that was probably why. Stephanie went and got a croissant and gave me half. It was good, but afterwards I felt nauseated. Even chocolate doesn't interest me. Bleh.

I'm so tired of the drama. And I'm confused. My life didn't used to feel so chaotic, so full of ups and downs. I'm confused because I'm wondering why I'm bothering trying to integrate my emotions and my shadow if there is going to be this whirlwind.

The therapist says go with the feelings, ride them out, don't push them away or bury them. I'm supposed to be accepting that part of me that feels so much hurt and rage. Perhaps if I stop rejecting the negative emotions, if I have more compassion for my self, perhaps I'll get back on an even-keel emotionally, but in a healthier way.

I'm determined to go down this path. But I can't help but look over my shoulder and think that the old way wasn't so bad afterall. And then I know it was. And I know that I'm in flux, in transition, and I need to give myself the space to walk this path without turning it into an emotional free-fall.

Time will tell.