Love and Acceptance
It is a bit early to tell for certain, but I think Nic and I are going to be able to become friends. It was hard in the first few days, with the soreness and physical reminders of sex still imprinted on my flesh. But the physical soreness faded and so has the worst of the emotional hurt, and as it has faded, the fact that I really do love him has remained a constant.
So we've talked a bit, and like me, he likes to keep the people he loves in his life, regardless of what relationship the love formed in. We are going to try to salvage what we can. Which is good. Because I've never seen anything so tragic as the transformation of Nic from a man in-love to one so bone-deep sad.
He's a good man. He said yesterday that he's a silly old man whose brain is a little slow, so it takes time for him to digest and process things. I think he's just as as mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted as I am.
But even if we cannot salvage a friendship from what flowed between us, I found a really good friend in his best friend Cyn. She and I clicked like I rarely click with women. We have been talking all week and she has been amazing. But then she is amazing.
As for Chris... He called and left me a voicemail yesterday, said he was thinking of me and hoping I was ok, and apologizing for being so angry with me. Like me, he's not good at being angry for very long. I do care about him. He's such a sweetheart. I hope... I hope to see him again, soon. I really like his hugs and I sure could use one.
Therapy went well yesterday. Really well. I feel much better airing all those emotions and talking about how to handle the way I feel without trying to avoid or escape the intensity, as has been my habit.
I'll see her again in two weeks and we'll resume working on my acceptance of the relentless, emotionally combative, and wholly self-absorbed child within me. The child in me who insists on knowing, insists that her needs must be met, with the same focus that an infant seeks to latch onto the nipple. The child in me who insists that I will have what I need to survive, to sustain me, and drives me to do whatever I must. In ways, I am appalled by this child-within, but I must accept her, and in accepting her and the intense emotional demands rising with me as a consequence of this acceptance, effect a reconsiliation and understanding.
So we've talked a bit, and like me, he likes to keep the people he loves in his life, regardless of what relationship the love formed in. We are going to try to salvage what we can. Which is good. Because I've never seen anything so tragic as the transformation of Nic from a man in-love to one so bone-deep sad.
He's a good man. He said yesterday that he's a silly old man whose brain is a little slow, so it takes time for him to digest and process things. I think he's just as as mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted as I am.
But even if we cannot salvage a friendship from what flowed between us, I found a really good friend in his best friend Cyn. She and I clicked like I rarely click with women. We have been talking all week and she has been amazing. But then she is amazing.
As for Chris... He called and left me a voicemail yesterday, said he was thinking of me and hoping I was ok, and apologizing for being so angry with me. Like me, he's not good at being angry for very long. I do care about him. He's such a sweetheart. I hope... I hope to see him again, soon. I really like his hugs and I sure could use one.
Therapy went well yesterday. Really well. I feel much better airing all those emotions and talking about how to handle the way I feel without trying to avoid or escape the intensity, as has been my habit.
I'll see her again in two weeks and we'll resume working on my acceptance of the relentless, emotionally combative, and wholly self-absorbed child within me. The child in me who insists on knowing, insists that her needs must be met, with the same focus that an infant seeks to latch onto the nipple. The child in me who insists that I will have what I need to survive, to sustain me, and drives me to do whatever I must. In ways, I am appalled by this child-within, but I must accept her, and in accepting her and the intense emotional demands rising with me as a consequence of this acceptance, effect a reconsiliation and understanding.
posted by KR | 10/25/2005 06:42:00 AM
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