Re-awakening to beauty
How amazing it is, that even in the midst of hurting, it feels good to feel. To give myself permission to feel. It is a pity I have been able to learn in grief what I was unable to learn in joy: to give myself freely to what feelings experience evokes within me. Next time... next time I will be less afraid.
I know I am doing better because I am awakening again to the beauty around me. The mornings are alternating between crisp and clear, and misty and warm. The foliage is half-turned, and leaves lay in gold and red drifts on the sidewalk. Mushrooms are popping up, the geese are passing overhead, and the nutria are stuffing themselves on everything green they can find. It is hard to feel desolate in the midst of such soul-warming beauty. Or maybe it makes the desolation easier to bear? Perhaps that is what it is. I actually used my camera for the first time in weeks, took photos of yesterday's misty morning and the dew that had collected on the spider's webs.
Food is starting to taste like food again, and music to touch my soul.
I'm still missing my libido. How very odd, not to have the sexual urge pushing at me all the time. Its been weeks. Lori is excited that my period of celibacy is over. She is trying to get me to go to the Ace this weekend for the Halloween Bash. I'm not sure I want to go to a swing club, even if it is just to play voyeur. I told her I didn't know it was possible for me to fall in and out of love in four months and I have some things to learn from it. She says I'm thinking too much and I should just get out there again. Part of me wants to play it safe and just jump back into sex and leave emotion out of it. Part of me wants to go back to being celibate. Which is another form of playing it safe.
And as for me, let what will, come. I can receive no damage from it, unless I think it a calamity; and it is in my power to think it none, if I so decide. -- Marcus Aurelius
I know I am doing better because I am awakening again to the beauty around me. The mornings are alternating between crisp and clear, and misty and warm. The foliage is half-turned, and leaves lay in gold and red drifts on the sidewalk. Mushrooms are popping up, the geese are passing overhead, and the nutria are stuffing themselves on everything green they can find. It is hard to feel desolate in the midst of such soul-warming beauty. Or maybe it makes the desolation easier to bear? Perhaps that is what it is. I actually used my camera for the first time in weeks, took photos of yesterday's misty morning and the dew that had collected on the spider's webs.
Food is starting to taste like food again, and music to touch my soul.
I'm still missing my libido. How very odd, not to have the sexual urge pushing at me all the time. Its been weeks. Lori is excited that my period of celibacy is over. She is trying to get me to go to the Ace this weekend for the Halloween Bash. I'm not sure I want to go to a swing club, even if it is just to play voyeur. I told her I didn't know it was possible for me to fall in and out of love in four months and I have some things to learn from it. She says I'm thinking too much and I should just get out there again. Part of me wants to play it safe and just jump back into sex and leave emotion out of it. Part of me wants to go back to being celibate. Which is another form of playing it safe.
And as for me, let what will, come. I can receive no damage from it, unless I think it a calamity; and it is in my power to think it none, if I so decide. -- Marcus Aurelius
posted by KR | 10/28/2005 06:56:00 AM
1 Comments:
I agree, perhaps you are overthinking it a bit. But a word of advice, you shouldn't leave emotion out of anything, it is what draws people to you. Go out and emote! enjoy life and go dancing!
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