Ah, the things he says

(from a letter to Nic)
Ah, the things you say.
Your words go straight to my heart and warm me, thrill me. They create ripples and echoes....and then, and then, they percolate up through to my mind and it kicks in, that thinking-self, the ego. And then my heart starts thumping and I start feeling stressed. On bad days, I start feeling panicked. Something in me says I cannot meet these expectations you have. That I am not this woman you are in love with. That it is an illusion. And at the word 'illusion' I remember the dharma-path. It is all illusory, it is all transitory, and that love, compassion, caring, fear, anger, hatred--these are real to us for as long as we feel them. I remind myself that I am not responsible for your needs or expectations. I am responsible for my own. For the first time in years I am feeling unable to meet my own needs and my own expectations of myself, and until I have remedied this, or learned to accept it, I cannot venture anything elsewhere. I know that there are things I cannot give myself, things that can only come from others, but I still need to learn what these things are. I do care for you. Please bear with me. Or not. I don't expect you to understand. All I ask is that you continue to be understanding.