Conversation on Nic
Me: Part of me wonders why he even wants to bother with me. I'm too complicated right now.
Friend: Only he can answer that one, but maybe he doesn't think things are as complicated as you do. Perhaps you should consider letting go of some of your doubts and just see where things end up?
Me: I trust him, but he terrifies me. I could fall for him. Hard. And I've never been in love. I... don't know if I want to, and I'm pretty sure now would not be a good time. But... I find him so compelling and so attractive and I really want him.
Friend: You do sound a bit smitten you know...
Me: A bit. Perhaps more than a bit. I'm still worried though. I don't trust men... they say things they think they mean, and they ask for everything, and then, when they have all a woman has to give, its suddenly too much for them. I've seen it again and again and I've never allowed that to happen to me.
Me: I've always held that back and my male lovers always pushed for that. They expect it from women. 'Why can't you love me like I love you?' they ask. 'Because you love the mystery and when there is nothing in reserve no mystery remains.'
Friend: I can understand that, but I think there is a difference between letting yourself enjoy someone and trusting them completely. You don't have to have the latter in order to experience the former.
Me: Well, what do you prefer.... A woman who gives it all up and loves you with everything she is, or a woman who gives you what she thinks you are capable of appreciating and keeps her core-self inviolate?
Friend: I'm not really sure, to be honest.
Me: Have you had both?
Friend: No, not really.. I've always kept my own amount of distance.
Me: Always?
Friend: Well, since... for a long time.
Me: I can't help but think about Tamar. She was in-love a few years ago. And the man she loved was madly in-love with her. I mean completely. He loved her like few men love a woman. And she felt bad for him, because she's like me, she can't abandon herself to loving someone. He was wealthy, he wanted to take care of her, he wanted to provide for her. But she fought to keep her independance, she refused to let him help in her business, she refused to live with him, and eventually, he came to feel like she was rejecting him. It hurt him, and he backed off. He still loved her, but he was sheltering a part of himself from her. And it wasn't until he withdrew that small portion of what he had surrendered that she realized how much she loved him and how important that was to her.
Me: by then it was too late. She says she wants that again, and she won't give up hope of having that kind of love again, and she hopes next time she will just say fuck-it and throw herself into it, fears and doubts aside, because love like that is a gift only a fool turns aside twice.
Friend: Yes.. it's too bad she had to learn about her feelings the hard way and too late.. Are you worried this might be what is going to happen with you?
Me: Well, its something that has been on my mind. Should I keep playing it safe? Or should I take that chance? All I have to lose is my heart, and really, its not doing me much good when I'm keeping most of it to myself anyway....
Me: He says no one is ever diminished by loving. He says love shared grows. Its when we don't have someone to share it with, to replentish ourselves with, that we feel the need to hoard it.
Friend: Awww, he's a romantic too, I see."
Me: So it seems..... So...Hmm. You are a guy. You know how guys are. You know me, you know where my head it at and what I've been through the past year... What do do think I should do about him?
Friend: Well.. this is a bit of a touchy area for me to go.. but...
Me: *hug* I'm sorry, if I'm making you uncomfortable, don't worry about it. I'll talk to someone else. Just for some reason I really wanted to talk to you.
Friend: I'm not uncomfortable, really.. You both appear to like and enjoy each other, are attracted to each other, you have understandable fears, but you know about them, and where they come from for the most part... I think that in a way this might be good for you, but that you also have to be understanding of your own issues -- such as those of trust, of keeping emotional distance -- and not mistake them as something more, or to allow yourself to feel limited by them.
Me: No one wants to get hurt. And I'm really vulnerable right now, and he knows it, I'm so open with him about things it boggles his mind sometimes.... and he says things... He says things and they are the right things and it makes me doubt him. And he says it hurts him that I doubt him when he tells me the truth about how he feels. But how do I know its the truth and not a line, a game? He's a Dom, something in me says, he'd love to tame me, don't fall for this.
Friend: You can't know. You have to either decide it's worth the risk that he might be telling the truth or you don't.
Me: Truth. *kiss* Thank you. Thanks for being my friend.
Friend: *kiss* You are welcome dear.
Friend: Only he can answer that one, but maybe he doesn't think things are as complicated as you do. Perhaps you should consider letting go of some of your doubts and just see where things end up?
Me: I trust him, but he terrifies me. I could fall for him. Hard. And I've never been in love. I... don't know if I want to, and I'm pretty sure now would not be a good time. But... I find him so compelling and so attractive and I really want him.
Friend: You do sound a bit smitten you know...
Me: A bit. Perhaps more than a bit. I'm still worried though. I don't trust men... they say things they think they mean, and they ask for everything, and then, when they have all a woman has to give, its suddenly too much for them. I've seen it again and again and I've never allowed that to happen to me.
Me: I've always held that back and my male lovers always pushed for that. They expect it from women. 'Why can't you love me like I love you?' they ask. 'Because you love the mystery and when there is nothing in reserve no mystery remains.'
Friend: I can understand that, but I think there is a difference between letting yourself enjoy someone and trusting them completely. You don't have to have the latter in order to experience the former.
Me: Well, what do you prefer.... A woman who gives it all up and loves you with everything she is, or a woman who gives you what she thinks you are capable of appreciating and keeps her core-self inviolate?
Friend: I'm not really sure, to be honest.
Me: Have you had both?
Friend: No, not really.. I've always kept my own amount of distance.
Me: Always?
Friend: Well, since... for a long time.
Me: I can't help but think about Tamar. She was in-love a few years ago. And the man she loved was madly in-love with her. I mean completely. He loved her like few men love a woman. And she felt bad for him, because she's like me, she can't abandon herself to loving someone. He was wealthy, he wanted to take care of her, he wanted to provide for her. But she fought to keep her independance, she refused to let him help in her business, she refused to live with him, and eventually, he came to feel like she was rejecting him. It hurt him, and he backed off. He still loved her, but he was sheltering a part of himself from her. And it wasn't until he withdrew that small portion of what he had surrendered that she realized how much she loved him and how important that was to her.
Me: by then it was too late. She says she wants that again, and she won't give up hope of having that kind of love again, and she hopes next time she will just say fuck-it and throw herself into it, fears and doubts aside, because love like that is a gift only a fool turns aside twice.
Friend: Yes.. it's too bad she had to learn about her feelings the hard way and too late.. Are you worried this might be what is going to happen with you?
Me: Well, its something that has been on my mind. Should I keep playing it safe? Or should I take that chance? All I have to lose is my heart, and really, its not doing me much good when I'm keeping most of it to myself anyway....
Me: He says no one is ever diminished by loving. He says love shared grows. Its when we don't have someone to share it with, to replentish ourselves with, that we feel the need to hoard it.
Friend: Awww, he's a romantic too, I see."
Me: So it seems..... So...Hmm. You are a guy. You know how guys are. You know me, you know where my head it at and what I've been through the past year... What do do think I should do about him?
Friend: Well.. this is a bit of a touchy area for me to go.. but...
Me: *hug* I'm sorry, if I'm making you uncomfortable, don't worry about it. I'll talk to someone else. Just for some reason I really wanted to talk to you.
Friend: I'm not uncomfortable, really.. You both appear to like and enjoy each other, are attracted to each other, you have understandable fears, but you know about them, and where they come from for the most part... I think that in a way this might be good for you, but that you also have to be understanding of your own issues -- such as those of trust, of keeping emotional distance -- and not mistake them as something more, or to allow yourself to feel limited by them.
Me: No one wants to get hurt. And I'm really vulnerable right now, and he knows it, I'm so open with him about things it boggles his mind sometimes.... and he says things... He says things and they are the right things and it makes me doubt him. And he says it hurts him that I doubt him when he tells me the truth about how he feels. But how do I know its the truth and not a line, a game? He's a Dom, something in me says, he'd love to tame me, don't fall for this.
Friend: You can't know. You have to either decide it's worth the risk that he might be telling the truth or you don't.
Me: Truth. *kiss* Thank you. Thanks for being my friend.
Friend: *kiss* You are welcome dear.
posted by KR | 10/09/2005 06:56:00 PM
1 Comments:
The kind of relationship you have with Nic and Chris is rare. I hold you (all of you) in high esteem. Especially liked reading about your trip to Vancouver.
Post a Comment
<< Home