New Therapist

When I talked to the woman in charge of reassigning my original therapist's patients, she asked me if I had a preference as to male or female. I told her I get along better with men and relate better to them, so I wanted a female therapist. I told her that I am animus-dominant that that my therapist asked me questions and had me consider things from an anima-perspective I often had not considered, and that I feel I need more of that so I can develop my anima and grow in the direction I need to in order to reconsile the past. I asked if that made sense, and she said yes, and commented that I am very self-aware. I answered that I'm very motivated. She also asked me if I minded another 'student' therapist. I told her I did not mind. (I'm of the mind that someone who is working toward her PhD is going to be less set in her ways and methods of analysis. Fresher, perhaps better acquainted with current literature, etc, and certainly, less burdened with a daily queue of patients, and so perhaps more inclined to give my case more consideration.) I told her my only concern was that any therapist she assigned to me be comfortable dealing with the complexities of a personality that developed under the pressures of childhood sexual trauma and abuse. I told her that is not what I am in therapy for, but it is one of the things I am trying to reconsile.

So she assigned me to a new one, and we had our intake session a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday as our first real session. It went well. My new therapist reminds me of a quintessential Smithie: intelligent, elegant, self-assured. She asked me some good questions, and repeated them when the answers I gave did not answer the questions she asked.

She started by saying I've done amazing things, especially considering my background. And she wanted to know why I was in therapy. I understood what she was asking. Not "Why are you here, you don't need therapy?", but rather, "Do you know why you are here, why you need therapy?" I told her I am incredibly strong-willed and determined, and I can conquer anything and do anything I set my mind to, except when it comes to one thing. Myself. When I find myself in conflict with subconscious motivators, I feel helpless. That I finally admitted to myself that I do not have the tools to deal with those motivators, that I do not have the tools to change the patterns that were set in me, and so I am in therapy to get help developing those tools.

We touched on my war with my body and my discomfort with attention and my acute awareness that until I resolve the issues I have with attention, I am always going to battle the unconscious drive within me to be (and feel) as unattractive as possible so I can be invisible or at least keep people at arm's length. I noticed I was practically squirming in my chair as I talked about how uncomfortable I feel with attention, and how conflicted I feel by my awareness that I need to stop fighting my body or I'm going to have health-consequences soon, and how that awareness puts me into conflict with the subconscious drives to avoid attention at all costs. I told her that I am consciously putting myself into situations with others (like Chris) where I get that attention and affection that another part of me really really hates. But its a fight, and its exhausting, and its such slow going. She asked why I want to keep people at arms' length and I explained about the child in me who knows the people I love can damage me the most, and my distrust of my own judgement of people, even though I have proof that as an adult I have surrounded myself with good people. I told her that I know these things rationally, but I just can't seem to consistently bridge the gap between my analytical mind and my emotional self.

I went into the session with a piece of paper in my pocket that read: Motivation. I understand things intellectually but I am having trouble translating that understanding into action. So we talked about some things that I was understanding but not acting on and she pointed out to me that there was a discrepency between my perception of 'acting' and doing, because based on what I told her, I was acting on my realizations. I listened to what she said and I acknowledged she was right, but I feel dissatisfied with my progress. So she asked, "What do you want to accomplish?" And I told her I want to be done with therapy already, that I want to be broken of the negative patterns that were set in me as a child, and develop new habits and ways of handling stress. And then I laughed at myself. She guided me toward specifics. What do I want to accomplish, what goals can I set and achieve, starting with small steps and building on them. So that is my homework.

All in all a good session. There were some uncomfortable moments in the beginning. I found ymself hesitating, and I finally told her, "This is uncomfortable, I don't know what you know and I don;t want to make assumptions." And she said, "Ok, I'll tell you what I know." And she did a run-down of what she'd gotten from my previous therapist's notes and we went from there. Not that much ground lost. My anxieties about changing therapists are lessened considerably. I can work with her.