thoughts on thoughts on thoughts
In an email earlier this week, Chris asked me two questions:
Why do you "dodge people and keep others at arm's length?"
I answered: One part of the answer question is that I am not very good at saying 'no'. If I avoid people, then they are less likely to ask or demand something of me that I do not want to give but will give anyway because I can more easily dismiss my own discomfort than the possibility that I might cause someone pain--the curse of being too empathetic/sympathetic. That, and, well... (I cannot believe I am telling you this) more than once my father beat me badly enough that I had to be kept home from school for several days because I was not being...accomodating enough...to guests. Sort of paved the way for Demming, unfortunately, and such hard-learned lessons in 'accomodation' are difficult to wipe from the psyche.
What are you really afraid of...now?
I answered: Right now, I am afraid of loving people.
Why I am afraid of loving people? Because, in my experience, loving people hurts.
What is wrong with hurting? Nothing.
Intellectually I understand that there is nothing wrong with hurting, that emotional pain is a part of living and growing, and that it is a natural and understandable consequence of interaction. But emotionally, it is unacceptable to me. People I loved in my youth damaged me and something in me refuses to risk it any more. But I also know that I need must overcome that aversion to risk. I know that I am unconsciously reproducing behaviour that was once adaptive but is now merely repetitive, and with effort and awareness, I can free myself from the unconscious habits that inhibit me and have me oscillating between the twin drives of desire and fear.
I've given that last question and my response more thought. I've thought about Chris and Nic and the differences in my feelings for, and reactions to, them.
My main problems with Chris were that I found him physically intimidating, and that I found his expression of sexual interest threatening. I've spent enough time around him now that I am used to his height, and I've gotten to know him well enough that I know it is not his nature to use his size to his advantage. Once I talked to him about sex, he stopped pushing. We kiss, we cuddle, we touch, but when I indicate it is time to stop, he stops. He is sweet and fun, he's not around too much because he travels a lot, he calls often, he excites me. So what am I afraid of?
And with Nic, he's a Dom. Big red flag. I told him about the Dom who pushed me too far and he said that it was a shame about that, but that his kink is pleasure as a form of power exchange, not pain. And he said that, regardless, we could never go the BDSM route and he would be perfectly ok with that, because he doesn't want submission from me. He said he has met many submissive women, but only one woman like me. He is intense and open and completely non-pushy. He's 15 years older and he certainly understands women. He catches the nuances of my self-expression better than anyone I have come across. And we have yet to mis- or cross- communicate. So what am I afraid of?
Its not that I'm afraid of loving people. I love people. I have lots of love in me and I apply it liberally, especially with my friends. I love my family, but I do not like who I am when I am with them; I do not like the old patterns we revert to, so I love them from afar--but even that is changing as I am learning to observe my feelings and reactions and follow them to their source and attempt to address the underlying issues. Of course, I can only affect my own internal mappings. I cannot change those of others, and, well, when I'm around they unconsciously expect me to fulfill the role of 'enabler' that I once held. And I've loved my partners, but I've always held a part of myself aloof. While something in me wants to give myself emotionally to my partner with the same level of abandonment that I give myself over to physical pleasure, I am afraid to do so. I am afraid of opening that door and stepping through it. I've no idea what lies beyond, but sure as it is cold and raining outside, something in me is pushing inexorably toward that end. So... what I am afraid of is... me. The possibilities that lay dormant within me. And the knowledge that opening up that way requires trusting another person, letting someone inside me in more ways than just the one... and I really don't like needing others, or needing help--and trust is a many-layered thing.
Ah well. Enough self-analysis and tail-chasing for the night.
Why do you "dodge people and keep others at arm's length?"
I answered: One part of the answer question is that I am not very good at saying 'no'. If I avoid people, then they are less likely to ask or demand something of me that I do not want to give but will give anyway because I can more easily dismiss my own discomfort than the possibility that I might cause someone pain--the curse of being too empathetic/sympathetic. That, and, well... (I cannot believe I am telling you this) more than once my father beat me badly enough that I had to be kept home from school for several days because I was not being...accomodating enough...to guests. Sort of paved the way for Demming, unfortunately, and such hard-learned lessons in 'accomodation' are difficult to wipe from the psyche.
What are you really afraid of...now?
I answered: Right now, I am afraid of loving people.
Why I am afraid of loving people? Because, in my experience, loving people hurts.
What is wrong with hurting? Nothing.
Intellectually I understand that there is nothing wrong with hurting, that emotional pain is a part of living and growing, and that it is a natural and understandable consequence of interaction. But emotionally, it is unacceptable to me. People I loved in my youth damaged me and something in me refuses to risk it any more. But I also know that I need must overcome that aversion to risk. I know that I am unconsciously reproducing behaviour that was once adaptive but is now merely repetitive, and with effort and awareness, I can free myself from the unconscious habits that inhibit me and have me oscillating between the twin drives of desire and fear.
I've given that last question and my response more thought. I've thought about Chris and Nic and the differences in my feelings for, and reactions to, them.
My main problems with Chris were that I found him physically intimidating, and that I found his expression of sexual interest threatening. I've spent enough time around him now that I am used to his height, and I've gotten to know him well enough that I know it is not his nature to use his size to his advantage. Once I talked to him about sex, he stopped pushing. We kiss, we cuddle, we touch, but when I indicate it is time to stop, he stops. He is sweet and fun, he's not around too much because he travels a lot, he calls often, he excites me. So what am I afraid of?
And with Nic, he's a Dom. Big red flag. I told him about the Dom who pushed me too far and he said that it was a shame about that, but that his kink is pleasure as a form of power exchange, not pain. And he said that, regardless, we could never go the BDSM route and he would be perfectly ok with that, because he doesn't want submission from me. He said he has met many submissive women, but only one woman like me. He is intense and open and completely non-pushy. He's 15 years older and he certainly understands women. He catches the nuances of my self-expression better than anyone I have come across. And we have yet to mis- or cross- communicate. So what am I afraid of?
Its not that I'm afraid of loving people. I love people. I have lots of love in me and I apply it liberally, especially with my friends. I love my family, but I do not like who I am when I am with them; I do not like the old patterns we revert to, so I love them from afar--but even that is changing as I am learning to observe my feelings and reactions and follow them to their source and attempt to address the underlying issues. Of course, I can only affect my own internal mappings. I cannot change those of others, and, well, when I'm around they unconsciously expect me to fulfill the role of 'enabler' that I once held. And I've loved my partners, but I've always held a part of myself aloof. While something in me wants to give myself emotionally to my partner with the same level of abandonment that I give myself over to physical pleasure, I am afraid to do so. I am afraid of opening that door and stepping through it. I've no idea what lies beyond, but sure as it is cold and raining outside, something in me is pushing inexorably toward that end. So... what I am afraid of is... me. The possibilities that lay dormant within me. And the knowledge that opening up that way requires trusting another person, letting someone inside me in more ways than just the one... and I really don't like needing others, or needing help--and trust is a many-layered thing.
Ah well. Enough self-analysis and tail-chasing for the night.
posted by KR | 10/02/2005 10:59:00 PM
1 Comments:
You're aboslutely right to fear pain. Pain isn't okay. Life is about being happy.
But being happy is about balancing expectations/hopes and fears. If you are too afraid of getting hurt you'll have no expectations, but you'll have no joy. Without expecting anything you do to make make you happy you won't BE happy.
When you expect too much from the world you become disappointed. Gotta face up to reality enough to expect what's going to happen. Find the "path" to happiness by seeing what will really happen based on your choices and picking the happiest one.
Always push your expectations slowly higher until they are unrealistic. Then step them back one level and stay perfect. Hah. If it were only that easy.
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