A meaningful, adult conversation!
I actually had a meaningful, adult conversation with Stephanie!
I am very pleased that I managed to communicate something very important to me to Stephanie without it turning into an ugly fight. Things actually went very well, because I used the 24 hour rule and then I sent my thoughts/concerns in an email, so I could get it all out without her jumping in and interrupting with an emotional outburst. We've both been doing a lot of intra-personal growing this past year, I've noticed.
After we talked about my issue, she brought up Chris. She said I'm very bad at hiding things and she would like me to be more open about when I'm seeing him, etc. She admitted that she reacted very badly the first couple of times I brought him up, and that the only way she is going to become comfortable with the idea of a man in my life is for me to be more open about it. So I asked her what sorts of things she wanted to know, and she told me, and so I will endeavor to give her the information she wants without the details she does not want. Then she said, as an aside, that she didn't understand why I was dating someone if I didn't want things to get sexual, and that since I had admitted to kissing him, there must be something sexual there. I told her I have to get comfortable with men again, and the only way is to expose myself to them. I told her that I really enjoy Chris and I have told him where I am at and why, what I want and do not want right now. And he wants to continue seeing me, as rare as it is with all the travelling he does, and so that is why we are 'dating'. I have not told her about Nic. I think one man in my life is too many for her. I expect she'd have some pithy comment to make if she learned of another, and I'm sensitive enough about the subject that I might respond in-kind, and that is a sure-fire way for things to turn into a brawl. One of us has to be conscious of the emotional landscape, and it seems to fall on me.
I am very pleased that I managed to communicate something very important to me to Stephanie without it turning into an ugly fight. Things actually went very well, because I used the 24 hour rule and then I sent my thoughts/concerns in an email, so I could get it all out without her jumping in and interrupting with an emotional outburst. We've both been doing a lot of intra-personal growing this past year, I've noticed.
After we talked about my issue, she brought up Chris. She said I'm very bad at hiding things and she would like me to be more open about when I'm seeing him, etc. She admitted that she reacted very badly the first couple of times I brought him up, and that the only way she is going to become comfortable with the idea of a man in my life is for me to be more open about it. So I asked her what sorts of things she wanted to know, and she told me, and so I will endeavor to give her the information she wants without the details she does not want. Then she said, as an aside, that she didn't understand why I was dating someone if I didn't want things to get sexual, and that since I had admitted to kissing him, there must be something sexual there. I told her I have to get comfortable with men again, and the only way is to expose myself to them. I told her that I really enjoy Chris and I have told him where I am at and why, what I want and do not want right now. And he wants to continue seeing me, as rare as it is with all the travelling he does, and so that is why we are 'dating'. I have not told her about Nic. I think one man in my life is too many for her. I expect she'd have some pithy comment to make if she learned of another, and I'm sensitive enough about the subject that I might respond in-kind, and that is a sure-fire way for things to turn into a brawl. One of us has to be conscious of the emotional landscape, and it seems to fall on me.
posted by KR | 10/02/2005 11:00:00 AM
3 Comments:
I'm more for the idea of being open so that you both deal with all those issues. You're disrespecting her by keeping such things from her (with the idea that she's too immature so you're doing her a favor, hence the disrespect) and you're admitting that you can't handle her immature reaction well so you're avoiding experiencing that and growing from it.
Just my two cents. I think being open with people, despite all the short-term pain it might cause, will create a deeper respect and closeness just from knowing someone trusts you with that information.
You and I both have lived with our exes, CD. Tell me, what did it feel like to see her with other men? To see men (or women) leaving her room? Or seeing her come home all mussed with that freshly-fucked look? Did it hurt?
I, too, think that being open is best. But she is always telling me "TMI!" (too much information) because she feels I share too much with her. I don't tell her things out of respect for her feelings.
Hah. If you only knew...
Elissa fucks around ALL the time. I crashed on her couch after her BDay party last Friday while she had a 3some. She tells me the details of her sexcapades (when she remembers them). I feel closer to her for her sharing that with me. At first she didn't want to share such things, but she's cool with it now.
Learning to set your expectations to reality is an important tool to become a happy person.
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