In moments of stillness, questions arise
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Why do I feel that there is a competition between my sensory array and my contemplative narrative?
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Why do I insist that there are burdens only I can carry, and if so, when will I put them down?
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Is it that I think people are crazy to love,
or just crazy to love me?
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Why am I so guarded, so afraid of the vulnerability which intimacy requires?
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Why is it that I rarely feel safe? Is it natural caution, as my rationalizing self states? Is it because of what Demming did? Or is it deeper, as my therapist implies, that I did not feel safe even as a very young child, and so I do not feel safe as an adult?
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Why do I hate the word 'victim' so much?
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Why do I think that adequately expressing a way of thinking differently about the world is a more effective tool for change than arguing well?
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What is it about the weak that gives them power over the strong?
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Who is more powerful, the one controlled or the one controlling? Is control as illusory as it seems?
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Why do I feel it is my responsibility to disempower a bully, especially one whose bullying I am impervious to?
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Why is it easier to give than it is to receive?
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Why is it that when I ask myself what I am afraid of, something within me bellows 'nothing' and something else whispers 'everything'?
Can both responses be true?
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In a constantly changing, transient, uncertain world, is anything worthy of total commitment?
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What are my priorities, what are my values, what purpose do I give my life?
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If not now, then when?
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How does one balance the maxims "You lose when you hesitiate" and "Look before you leap"?
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How is it that something as simple as touching and being touched with love creates a sense of well-being that lasts the entire day? And knowing this, having experienced it, why do I deny myself it?
posted by KR | 9/09/2005 11:58:00 PM
2 Comments:
Great questions. I like this post.
I have a burning desire to answer all those questions, but that tends to annoy people. All I can say is that many questions have an obvious rational answer that can shape our desires and instincts when we truly understand those concepts at the deepest level.
Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. I would be the one to annoy you with my answers.
a. Because lessons learned with negative reinforcement tend to "smart".
b. Because what feels good isn't necessarily the right thing to do.
c. Because there are burdens only you can carry and they are yours and yours alone.
d. Most people are completely nuts.
e. Because you're working through your "I'm not crazy" stage. Embrace insanity.
f. No, it's because everybody and I do mean everybody is out to get you.
g. Because it starts with a "v" and women don't like the letter "v".
h. You must suck at arguing.
i. Good head.
j. Yes, control is a complete fantasy item for all other people. I am in control.
k. I don't understand this question because I'm stupid.
l. Because you are probably better at giving than others and you have high expectations.
m. Yes, they cannot. Or no, they can.
n. Everything is worth total commitment.
o. You're pretty good at asking questions.
p. On Jewvemberday.
q. Try to lose when you leap or look before you hesitate.
r. Because obviously, you are a masochist but that's not a bad thing really.
Or, I could be wrong. (This public service announcement has been brought to you by your best friend in the world. Send money to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.)
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