Love and Trust
This weekend Chris and I talked a bit about our past relationships. Who. How long. Why it ended. What we learned.
"When was the last time you were in-love?" Chris asked.
"I've never been in-love," I answered.
He looked surprised, then thoughtful. He looked like he was going to say something a few times. I waited. Finally, he said, "You've never met someone you could trust enough?"
I thought about his question. Part of it was about trusting others, but, I've a lot of good people in my life, people I love and trust, people I could have fallen in love with, but would not let myself. The reason, really, was that I did not trust myself, my own judgment. Ever the same answer, with me: Its not you, its me.
Yesterday I was talking with Micahel, told him that the question of my never having fallen in love had come up with two people this weekend. And I told him that I recognized that some of it had to do with reluctance to trust others, but mostly it had to do with not trusting myself. He asked why. I said I'd loved and trusted Demming and it was a mistake. And he said, You were a child. That is what children do. They trust. I heard that as if for the first time, though I am sure that others have said similar things to me in the past. In fact, I think my therapist tried to tell me something about survivor's guilt, self-blame, etc. And this time, it hit home. I trusted. Through no fault of my own, I trusted the wrong person. It was what children do. Wow. And duh.
Sometimes having a good friend beats having a good therapist.
"When was the last time you were in-love?" Chris asked.
"I've never been in-love," I answered.
He looked surprised, then thoughtful. He looked like he was going to say something a few times. I waited. Finally, he said, "You've never met someone you could trust enough?"
I thought about his question. Part of it was about trusting others, but, I've a lot of good people in my life, people I love and trust, people I could have fallen in love with, but would not let myself. The reason, really, was that I did not trust myself, my own judgment. Ever the same answer, with me: Its not you, its me.
Yesterday I was talking with Micahel, told him that the question of my never having fallen in love had come up with two people this weekend. And I told him that I recognized that some of it had to do with reluctance to trust others, but mostly it had to do with not trusting myself. He asked why. I said I'd loved and trusted Demming and it was a mistake. And he said, You were a child. That is what children do. They trust. I heard that as if for the first time, though I am sure that others have said similar things to me in the past. In fact, I think my therapist tried to tell me something about survivor's guilt, self-blame, etc. And this time, it hit home. I trusted. Through no fault of my own, I trusted the wrong person. It was what children do. Wow. And duh.
Sometimes having a good friend beats having a good therapist.
posted by KR | 9/06/2005 01:04:00 PM
1 Comments:
If by children you mean "humans" then yes, it's what children do.
We don't have to be perfect, but we're farther from perfect if we prevent ourselves from taking the risks that result in the greatest rewards.
Post a Comment
<< Home