No pain no gain?
I got my feelings hurt pretty badly today.
Makes me wonder why I'm bothering trying to be open to the people in my life, emotionally available and responsive, when my vulnerability is a sword that cuts. Something in me howls and pants and pouts while something else observes non-judgementally, inserting itself between the wounded child and the pragmatic adult so disconcerted by the sudden shift from solid intellectual ground to emotional quicksand. When I close my eyes I can envision my adult persona battling the urge to throttle the inner-child whose tantrum is distrupting my nice, calm, ordered life.
I liked it better when nothing bothered me, when there were't any feelings to be hurt, just vague and distant impressions of things so mild and milquetoast that using words like 'irritation' to describe that I 'felt' was an overstatement. I had no investment in emotions. I divested myself of all but the most pleasant ones, and cast the rest into the gutter for my hungry shadow to devour.
Going to therapy has changed things. I know it is for the better...mainly because the people I love and trust most say it is. I'm developing real relationships with Tam and Tess, not as the uber-responsible substitute-mommy figure, but as a woman and a sister. Tess cried when she told me she felt like she had me as a sister for the first time in her life, thanking me for sharing all those thoughts and feelings and doubts that I've kept to myself all these years. Tam expressed hopes that "Miss Perfect" is dead and gone, but she's not... I've just loosened the laces on the corset.
My therapist says the only way to be comfortable with my emotions is to allow myself to feel them. So I'm feeling them, and right now, from my perspective, 'feelings' are highly over-rated.
Argh. So I got my feelings hurt. Big deal, right? It happens to people every day.
Except me. Its been hours and I'm still aching over a few careless words and one thoughtless, irritated act. Apologies offered and accepted still do not console whatever it is that hurts.
I don't understand how people live this way.
I don't know if I can.
But there is only one way to find out.
Makes me wonder why I'm bothering trying to be open to the people in my life, emotionally available and responsive, when my vulnerability is a sword that cuts. Something in me howls and pants and pouts while something else observes non-judgementally, inserting itself between the wounded child and the pragmatic adult so disconcerted by the sudden shift from solid intellectual ground to emotional quicksand. When I close my eyes I can envision my adult persona battling the urge to throttle the inner-child whose tantrum is distrupting my nice, calm, ordered life.
I liked it better when nothing bothered me, when there were't any feelings to be hurt, just vague and distant impressions of things so mild and milquetoast that using words like 'irritation' to describe that I 'felt' was an overstatement. I had no investment in emotions. I divested myself of all but the most pleasant ones, and cast the rest into the gutter for my hungry shadow to devour.
Going to therapy has changed things. I know it is for the better...mainly because the people I love and trust most say it is. I'm developing real relationships with Tam and Tess, not as the uber-responsible substitute-mommy figure, but as a woman and a sister. Tess cried when she told me she felt like she had me as a sister for the first time in her life, thanking me for sharing all those thoughts and feelings and doubts that I've kept to myself all these years. Tam expressed hopes that "Miss Perfect" is dead and gone, but she's not... I've just loosened the laces on the corset.
My therapist says the only way to be comfortable with my emotions is to allow myself to feel them. So I'm feeling them, and right now, from my perspective, 'feelings' are highly over-rated.
Argh. So I got my feelings hurt. Big deal, right? It happens to people every day.
Except me. Its been hours and I'm still aching over a few careless words and one thoughtless, irritated act. Apologies offered and accepted still do not console whatever it is that hurts.
I don't know if I can.
But there is only one way to find out.
posted by KR | 6/07/2005 09:14:00 PM
4 Comments:
Good job. I too work to remain open, sharing of myself, and thus, vulnerable. But such rewards lie that way.
Reading your words sometimes feels like therapy as we humans, without trying, act as mirrors for each other.
Kelly,
Don't tell me that you're getting all girly on me!!Where is the cool, callous chick that just wants to do it and roll over?!:)
Don't worry Kelly, we all dislike being hurt.We all want to be loved.We all feel pain.We are all vulnerable!
*HUGS* *KISSES* *MORE HUGS*
The cool callous chick who wants to just do it and roll over is no more.
I'm now dealing with the fact that I don't want to be celibate anymore, but there isn't anyone local to me that I care enough for to be intimate with. Chris is someone I've thought was a possibility, but I've only been seeing him (occasionally) for a few months. Yesterday he told me he'd like to make love to me sometime, hopefully soon. I told him I wasn't comfortable enough. He wanted to know what sort of a time frame 'comfortable enough' was going to be. I told him I didn't know. He said... well, he basically said that was too open-ended for him. Not in those words, but that is what I heard, and I got my feelings very hurt. Ah well. That's life.
Kelly,
Maybe that's what you heard. Sometimes when one doesn't get the response they're looking for , they tend to take what they hear and mold it into what they think the other person meant.
True, he could have said that your response was too open ended, but I think that you're taking it to mean something totally different!You could have solved the whole problem by saying "I will let you know" instead of "I don't know". See, one says to him that you might not be interested in being intimate with him while the other says I am interested in being intimate with you, I just am not ready yet(which is what you really meant). Maybe I'm wrong? It might be miscommunication.
Did you tell him that he hurt your feelings? I don't think that he meant to , or even realized that he did! :)
*Hugs*
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