Gift of friendship

I recently admitted to myself a fear I've had for some time, a fear that has been there ever since I started making 'emotional' progress in therapy.

I find that in some ways I've become a stranger to myself. I hardly recognized myself this past week, what with the funk that clung to me for days over Chris' comments. What was I doing, holding on to my hurt feelings, nursing them? Where was that clarity, that carefully cultivated non-judgemental awareness of my emotions? I've felt like a dog chasing its tail. And for every question I asked myself, the answer was "but I feel hurt", and there was no reasoning with that emotional side. In the end, I failed to think myself out of my funk. Instead. I had to wait it out.

And in waiting it out, I came to realize that I am afraid that -- once all is said and done, when therapy is complete -- I'll end up being a 'typical female', ie, an often irrational emotional basketcase custom-designed to carry a vagina around. And that, I just cannot abide. Admitting it to myself is important. This fear, this resistance to changing, is inhibiting my progress in therapy. No matter that my analyst says she is very pleased with my progress--I know that I can do better.

I put my fear out there to a few friends, my fear of becoming a travesty of myself, and these loved ones, my social mirrors, reassured me with their kinds words.

Persevere, H. said. Emotions are not the enemy, they are what allow us to see the world with wonder. They are what turns milk into cheese and grape juice into wine. Besides, you have such a warm heart and an amazing mind--you've catered to the one, making it strong and healthy, now isn't it time to explore the other?

You should enjoy being you, that is a key fundamental aspect of being a "whole" person, M. told me. The point of therapy is to change what you want to change. You are working on small aspects of yourself..what's you is you, and that is as solid as a rock.

S. brought tears to my eyes with: Believe me, you'll never be like all the other women out there. Your brain is unlike that of any other woman I've met. There is so much more that makes you you, than the things that you are in therapy for. And your ability to think critically, and be interested in so many things around you has very little to do with the way you look at relationships. I'd certainly encourage you to continue with your therapy for now. I promise you it won't turn you into a vagina-carrying basketcase.

I am fortunate in my friends. They love me in all my flawed, outrageous humanity, and it humbles me. They give me an outside perspective of myself, and remind me of the reasons why I chose to do something when I falter. They make me lighten up and laugh at myself when I'm too serious. They remind me of all the reasons why I should not be afraid of the darkness within. They are there for me when I am feeling my meanest, my ugliest, my saddest, my most insecure, and they are proof that love can endure in the face of naked truth.

Ultimately, our friends are our gifts to ourselves, aren't they?