I interviewed two therapists today.

I interviewed two therapists today. The first one was very nice, gentle, soft-spoken, kind. She was too kid-glovey. I felt like she was worried I would break or something. I walked out of there knowing that she was too soft for me.

I kept the appointment with the second therapist, and this one was much more forward. We talked about what issues I want to resolve through therapy and discussed my adult life, what I've acheived, what I've experienced, etc. She said I've had a positive, healthy adult life, for the most part, so the habits and unconscious behaviours I want to break must come from childhood or adolescence. When I told her I really didn't want to rehash the past, she gave me a very direct look and said "Your PCP referred you to this office two years ago. Its taken you that long to get here. Do you really want to stop now?"

I have an appointment with her on on the 12th of next month.

She says I have a form of post-traumatic stress. She wanted to know if I knew what trauma I had experienced. I told her that I had an emotionally combatative and a very physically abusive relationship with my father, and that during an 18-month period between ages 12 and 14 I had experienced...lets see, how did I word it... inappropriate non-consensual sexual encounters with adults. I refused to discuss it any further, despite her prompting. I told her I wasn't prepared to discuss those things at that time.

I am experiencing a good deal of anxiety just thinking about the upcoming appointment. I really don't want to go over this, especially after I have tried so hard to put it behind me and rise above it. Still, I am aware enough to realize that if I am feeling this anxious about talking to a therapist about it, then it is something I really do need to talk to a therapist about. Funny how that works.