Can't kisses be a destination?
Two talks with Chris, one Sunday night, one tonight over dinner. I reminded him of what I had told him before, that I'm not the casual type, that I'm not a casual person. That my relationships, whether with friends or lovers, tend to be deep and intimate, and I just don't like his use of words like 'love' and 'darling' and 'dear' because it either presumes a depth of familiarity/feeling between us that is not there, or uses meaningful words in a casual way. He took it well, thanked me for letting him know about my discomfort. He asked me what I wanted from him. I told him that I did not know, that I had asked myself that question repeatedly already. I told him I wanted to enjoy him, to enjoy his company, and to feel comfortable being me around him. And then I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said that he wanted me to trust him, be willing to spend more time with him, that he wants what comes after kisses, because they promise something that he wants even if he doesn't know what that something is with me.
Privately, I think he is falling for me, but I am hoping not...because I do care for him, and his feelings may compell me to reciprocate, and I really do not think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now. I'd rather just relax and be. Why is it that people have to have a destination in mind? Why does everyone (myself included) have to know where something is going/leading?
It does not help that I confuse him. I ask him for a kiss and then I kiss him. I do not kiss like most people, I think. Whereas most people kiss absentmindedly, using it as a bridge between two stages of lovemaking, for me kissing is a full committment of attention. Lips, tongue, teeth, breath, skin become my universe, and I surrender completely to the sensations which kissing evokes. It can be deeply soul-satisfying in and of itself, particularly if the person I am kissing has a wonderful mouth, or the same talent for focussed attention, or, on the very rare occasion, both. So we kiss and its not a casual kiss but the zinger type that is a sensual treat, and he knows I want him, but my mouth shapes words that tell him "No, not now, not yet."
Ah well. I am running out of steam. Off to bed for me. Tempurpedic here I come.
Privately, I think he is falling for me, but I am hoping not...because I do care for him, and his feelings may compell me to reciprocate, and I really do not think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now. I'd rather just relax and be. Why is it that people have to have a destination in mind? Why does everyone (myself included) have to know where something is going/leading?
It does not help that I confuse him. I ask him for a kiss and then I kiss him. I do not kiss like most people, I think. Whereas most people kiss absentmindedly, using it as a bridge between two stages of lovemaking, for me kissing is a full committment of attention. Lips, tongue, teeth, breath, skin become my universe, and I surrender completely to the sensations which kissing evokes. It can be deeply soul-satisfying in and of itself, particularly if the person I am kissing has a wonderful mouth, or the same talent for focussed attention, or, on the very rare occasion, both. So we kiss and its not a casual kiss but the zinger type that is a sensual treat, and he knows I want him, but my mouth shapes words that tell him "No, not now, not yet."
Ah well. I am running out of steam. Off to bed for me. Tempurpedic here I come.
posted by KR | 8/10/2005 10:24:00 PM
2 Comments:
You sound as focused on what his destinations might be as you think he is focused on where things will go. Why can't YOU live in the moment like you want others to?
It seems like you dive so strongly into relationships because you don't feel that independent. You actually feel stress from his desires even though they really have nothing to do with you. They're his. You even mention that you might feel you have to return his affection is he has it. Why? Where does this need to please others come from?
If a person chooses to be around you you already please them. It's their choice and them asking you to do something more in no way obligates you to do that. Usually they would still enjoy your company even if you say "no." Do you say no often?
Why aren't you ready for a relationshp? What would it take to get ready?
From all my questions you can see I really like this post. I think it gets at a lot of deep stuff in you that you haven't looked at enough. Fun fun. I hope things work out.
You sound as focused on what his destinations might be as you think he is focused on where things will go. Why can't YOU live in the moment like you want others to?
*I am learning. Some moments I succeed, some moments I don’t. Its conditioning, I think, and such ingrained mental habits are difficult to break.
It seems like you dive so strongly into relationships because you don't feel that independent. You actually feel stress from his desires even though they really have nothing to do with you. They're his. You even mention that you might feel you have to return his affection is he has it. Why? Where does this need to please others come from?
*I don’t like hurting people. Something in me feels responsible for the wellbeing of those whose lives touch mine. Perhaps its my big-sister mentality, my care-giver training. As far as returning affection.--I do care for him, but I don’t want anything serious. Still, I give off confusing signals, don’t I? I want to date and enjoy his company, I want kissing and cuddling, but I don’t want to worry about feelings getting too deeply involved. I’m still working through therapy. People-pleasing, well, that’s a stress-response inculcated in me from childhood. I’m working on that, too ?
If a person chooses to be around you you already please them. It's their choice and them asking you to do something more in no way obligates you to do that. Usually they would still enjoy your company even if you say "no." Do you say no often?
*I’m not very good at saying ‘no’. I rarely say it. But I’m getting better at it, as I grow older.
Why aren't you ready for a relationshp? What would it take to get ready?
*I’m not ready because I’m still coming working on resolving the reasons why I dissociate sex and emotional intimacy. I am still going through therapy, still coming to terms with the impact that Demming had on my life after years of denial. I am aware that I am evolving right now and getting involved with someone may either distract me, or set me off-course, or wrap them up in a healing process that they have no part of. I am fiercely independent and I do not want to wake up one day and realize that I am back where I started because I let my fear of dealing with the past, and the pressing wants of the present, distract me. I’m not going through this again, it is too hard. I just will not have the strength if I give up now. I know this, and I’m not going to let anyone or anything get in the way of finishing therapy, so I can get on with living the life I am supposed to live.
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