The most vile dream yet

In early June I dreamed that one day I found out I was several weeks pregnant, which really freaked me out, because I was told I'd never be able to get pregnant the old-fashioned way, and because I had no recollection whatsoever of having sex for nearly a year. I had no idea where this fetus came from but I was pretty sure it was not mine. I wanted to have an abortion, but in my dream it was too late, so I carried it to term--and it was stillborn. It was very traumatic, because even though I wasn't planning on keeping it, the baby had become very real to me. I don't tell anyone. A week later I'm back at work and no one asks any questions because I'd already told everyone that I was giving it up for adoption. I'm rather sad and teary-eyed for a couple of weeks and finally my boss pulls me aside and asks me if I'm still missing the baby after the adoption, and did I need some time off. I start crying and tell her the baby died, and she looks shocked and then hurt. She starts shouting at me, asking why I didn't tell anyone, and I can't say anything, no matter how hard I try, because I have no voice. When I woke up, my throat was aching.

I didn't know why I had this dream, and I was feeling very torn about it until about a week ago, when I found "Pregnancy Week" 22 through 24 emails in one of my inboxes. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I flashed to the dream. Michael had asked me to subscribe to the newsletter as he was rolling it out for one of his clients. So for months I've been getting this email, updating me on 'my' pregnancy, the morning sickness, the changes to my body, the child moving inside, etc. I didn't realize it, but these emails were acting on me in a deeply subconscious level. I can't get pregnant naturally. I know this. And knowing that pregnancy is something I would never experience, but still curious about it--especially with so many friends and co-workers having babies lately--I read the emails faithfully up until I left for vacation. And then read three weeks worth when I got back. These emails were feeding thoughts and images into my subconscious every week, and at some point the cognitive dissonance became too great. I killed the baby in my sleep. That practical, reality-based side of myself refused to allow the fantasy pregnancy to continue growing in my subconscious.

When I had that visceral reaction to the email last weekend, I immediately unsubscribed to the newsletter and breathed a sigh of relief. Mystery solved. Guilt absolved.

Until I checked the same email account today and found Week 25 waiting for me, with its trademark curled-fetus drawing, all rosy-pink on its cheerful yellow background. Once again the hair-raised on the back of my neck and a shiver ran through me. Tears came to my eyes and I felt sick. I immediately unsubscribed and then went back and checked to make sure it had taken. I never want to get one of those emails again.

I had put it out of my mind, but the depth of my reaction, so visceral, so obviously painful, gave me pause and made me think. I feel such empathy for friends of mine like Connie, with her miscarriages, who finally, after 5 years, successfully adopted. I found myself wondering if some part of me didn't wish I could have a baby. And maybe that is so... even though I've known since I was 16, years before I knew about my infertility, that I did not want children. But mostly... mostly, I felt compassion for those women who have had abortions. Knowing what I've gone through just the past month, knowing how I've felt, even fleetingly, about the subconscious pregnancy and the vile, vile dream that destroyed it... I know it is not something done lightly, nor without conscience or personal consequences. And even as painful as it is to me, and being aware of how painful the reality must have been to the millions of women who have made that decision over the millennia, I am convinced that it should remain a woman's choice, not a plank on a political platform. Its depraved and obscene.