Mosaic of topics

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, and I have been blocked on writing about it...

I've been experiencing a lot of synchronicity lately. By synchronicity, I mean things happening that could be called 'coincidences' but don't really seem coincidental because they appear to be related...but the relationship between these things cannot be described using conventional means. For me, synchronicity is a causal chain of events that is meaningful in a way that can only be explained in terms that seem metaphysical, or psychic, or psychological.

I spent hours writing about a week's worth of occurances that all built to one single event, and how awed I was when I looked back at my week to see all the things that looped in and lead up to that event. But with a single keystroke it was lost, and since then I have been blocked about writing about it.

I also pulled muscle in my low back while masturbating Sunday night: a great orgasm, arched my back, and zing! I think it might have been aggravated by the Spring Cleaning I did earlier in the day, too... I vigorously scrubbed the floors on my hands and knees, getting all the places that regular mopping just doesn't clean. I wasn't too worried, but I woke up Monday with a headache and slight kink and I could feel the bones in the sacroiliac area moving, so I stayed home and coddled myself. However, Tuesday... Tuesday I woke up with a hot nerve pain running down my thigh and the outer portion of my thigh was numb. Sciatic, I figured. So I spent 2 plus hours at the injury clinic at Kaiser, and during the wait I did my best to sit and stand and stretch, but I could not lie down, and the spasming in my back crept upward to my neck. The Dr rewarded me with Vicodin and Robaxin, a note to stay home the rest of the week, and physical therapy next week.

Michael and I seem to have worked out the kinks in our relationship. I hope. The woman in his life is threatened by the intimacy between us, especially since there aren't words to describe it. We're closer than friends but we are not lovers, we're cornerstones of each other's emotional support system, we rely on and trust each other, we can talk about anything, and we are very like-minded psychologically... its a long list of affinities, one that a woman newly involved with him would find intimidating, I expect, so I've tried to be understanding.

I've told him to give her what she needs to feel secure, even if it means a change to our relationship, so long as it doesn't mean ending our relationship. When I love people, I love them always, and to lose him in my life would be very painful. The things we love about people don't change, even if the relationships do. Love is as organic as we are, it grows, it evolves, and we must accept that change is inevitable. Many people cannot seem to accept change in loving relationships, and would rather control it until it is strangled, or kill it, or walk away from it and let it wither.

I have plenty of fear about loving people, I admit it. Mostly it is fear of loss and fear of hurting others, so I tend to be very cautious about who I let feelings grow for, and how far. But once someone is in my heart, that person is there to stay.

I am fortunate in the friends I have chosen, most of whom are male. I have a number of women-friends, but my closest friends are men. I asked my therapist why. She said it is because I am Animus-dominant, and so are most men. But what is interesting about my men-friends, is that all of them are sensitive people--they are men who are in touch with their feminine side, or Anima, in some ways far more so than I am.