Upcoming weekend

I rented a car and later today I will be heading west. It is only 70 miles to the coast. After that, I do not know if I will turn north, or south. I have made no plans, no reservations. I could go north to the Olympic Penninsula, or I could stay in Cannon Beach and visit Ecola State Park, or continue south towards Lincoln City. The weather promises to be lovely, so I will bring beach gear and spend time out in the sun... maybe I'll rent a recumbent trike and cycle down the beach to Mo's for a beer and some chowder. I'm determined to play it Pisces and just go with the flow. I will be careful though, as Stas has cautioned me a few times. A woman travelling alone is always at risk.

I am looking forward to this time to myself, no distractions or interruptions. I intend to spend some time in meditation and contemplation. I might even work on that story I started back in May. I want to think about the progress I am making in therapy and what I will be talking to my therapist about this time next week. I'll bring the book on the integration of buddhist thought and western psychoanalysis, and hopefully finish it.

There are conflicts I need to resolve within myself, if I am to get where I want to be, which is emotionally healthy and ready for a relationship that will be fulfilling on multiple levels. I miss having a lover. I miss the companionship and the sex. I miss waking up next to someone and snuggling. I miss talking about whatever comes to mind whenever it comes to mind. I miss the shared silences and smiles. I miss the breathless desire and sex in quasi-public places.

But as much as I miss all that, and as much as I seem to have people in my life who are willing to fulfill the role of lover, I can't make that leap. I have this conviction that I need to keep pushing through with therapy, that I have more healing to do, and that sex (never mind a relationship) will just distract me. My carnal side holds far too much sway over me. I'm too likely to drop everything and just abandon myself to pleasure -- which would certainly alleviate the sexual frustration -- and one day wake up to find myself back where I started. No, that way is too easy.

Besides, in my unfinished state, I'm far too vulnerable. I have wants and needs and expectations and my emotional self can't distinguish between them right now. It is potentially very damaging to enter a relationship with my level of emotional maturity bouncing between 12 years and 37 years of age.

It will be interesting to see how I feel when I get home on Sunday. I'm hoping for another breakthrough, but I'm not going to put that much pressure on myself. Ultimately, I want to relax and escape the stress from work. And that isn't an unreasonable expectation at all.