Joyful Realization

I was talking with JL this morning about foreplay and sex and the differece in our attitudes toward them and realized something very important.

He is very tactile, loves to kiss and cuddle and touch and caress and will do so for hours given the opportunity. He is very focussed on pleasing his partner and derives a tremendous amount of pleasure from it. This is generally considered a feminine attitude toward sex.

I, however, have a profoundly unfeminine attitude in that I had always considered extensive foreplay a waste of time, especially since I am so easily aroused. Until recently, I wanted as much sex and as many orgasms as possible, and when I was done, I wanted my lover to stay on his or her side of the bed and leave me alone. I might be bothered to cuddle occasionally afterwards, but prefered not to. I used to think this drive was hormonal, that my elevated testosterone made me impatient for both the heightened levels of pleasure and the near immediate gratification that drive men.

That may be partly so, but I said something to JL, and it wasn't until after I said it that I understood the significance of it, and what a profound realization it was. I said, "Demming conditioned the male attitude toward sex in me, because my object became to be ready for sex and have an orgasm as quickly as possible so she would leave me alone."

I stopped. I re-scanned what I said. Tears came to my eyes. I felt this tremendous sense of relief. All this time I wrote it off as having a male sex drive, but I knew something wasn't quite right. I love to cuddle and kiss, but once I'm aroused it has to stop. The urgency to climax takes over and every touch, every word, that is superfluous to the acheivement of that goal creates discomfort. I preferred to beg on my hands and knees for dick than accept the loving tribute of a sensual massage.

Part of me feels so ridiculous. I can't believe that I let something that happened to me over a six month period when I was 11 - 12 years old affect me for 25 years. I wish I hadn't driven what happened between us so deeply out of my conscious. It was the only way I knew how to cope, to say "Oh well, it happened, but its over, get on with life, try to act normal." But there was a huge gap between saying it and knowing how to make it so. I didn't have the tools, so there was no where for it to go--I sublimated it and its been driving my subconscious all these years.

God, I am so ANGRY.

But, I know this. I know this much....Now that I know what is subconsciously driving my discomfort with intimacy and sex, when I take a lover again, I'm going to be able to consciously address my discomfort as it comes, and hopefully lay that ghost to rest.

Today I feel the most profound sense of hope. I am encouraged. I've turned on a lightbulb in a very large, dark room. Therapy and contemplation are working. My support network of friends and family is coming through for me. I may yet know what it is to make love with someone and not have that flip switch that turns my emotions off. I'm looking forward to the day I can freely mix sex-magic and spirit. I expect it will take time and practice to overcome this, but at least I'll enjoy the process :)