Libidinous Celibacy

Presently I am a committed practitioner of libidinous celibacy. At first the juxtaposition of those two words would appear to be paradoxical, but I know that such is not the case. Most people think that the adjective libidinous describes someone who is acting lustfully or lewdly, but in fact, it is not limited to actions. A libidinous person may be someone who has lustful thoughts or is otherwise preoccupied with the drives of the libido...without necessarily acting upon them. Few adults can abstain from sexual intercourse (ie, be celibate) and not experience rising frustration at the sublimation of such a primitive and instinctual biological drive. As time passes, this biological drive manifests as a psychological one as well, and the mind becomes preoccupied with libidinous thoughts. Thus, the term libidinous celibacy is not an oxymoron, but an apothegm.

Why am I committed to celibacy right now? I wonder some days if I shouldn't be committed to a sanitarium due to the conflict this decision has created in me, but most of the time I am self-aware enough to know it is the healthiest choice. I need to be celibate right now. My ENTP "knowledge seeking"
side is slightly more dominant than my ESTP "sensation seeking" side. So I am aware that I need to stop letting delightful sex, or the prospect thereof, distract me from what is meaningful in my relationships. I need to work through the thoughts and emotions resulting from the close of my most recent relationship. The past dozen years have been marked by three long-term relationships, each beginning at or near the terminus of the prior relationship...I have always had lovers-in-waiting. I find it astonishing to realize this, but it is true. And this truth means that I have not been alone, truly alone and self-examining, in a very long time.

I have always understood that people have come into my life to teach me something, and I have tried to learn. But I admit that I have gone from one long-term relationship to another without enough time in-between to contemplate what the close of each relationship means to my growth. And not doing that means that each new relationship I have entered, I have not been fully me--I have not been fully who I needed to be to learn best what I needed to learn from the next relationship--So now I am trying to play catch up, and the only way I can focus on it is to stay focussed on me. Thus, celibacy.

My libido, the engine of my "sensation seeking" self, does create constant tension and stress regarding my determination to remain celibate for at least 6 months. It has been 4 years since I was with a man, yet my orientation is undeniably hetero. I can now say this very comfortably, without doubt. After spending 4 years at Smith College and then 4 years in a woman-woman relationship, some might argue I was bi-sexual. Could be, but its not something worth arguing about, because I know my sexuality. I am attracted to men and women, not because of their bodies, but because of their minds, their souls, who they are, as individuals. I love the person. 90% of the people I am attracted to are male, thus, my statement that I am hetero. But not exclusively so. If a woman's heart and mind turns me on enough, it might push things along lines more intimate than spending a week in her bed, adrift in a haze of touching, tasting, and exploring, and become a long-term relationship, as happened with Steph.

But, while I loved the intimacy and love-making in my relationship with her, sex was far too infrequent. And far too much work. I went from sexual relations 10 times a week with a virile man 6 years my junior, to sex once or twice a week, then to one or twice a month, and then finally to I-can't-remember-when-we-last-made-love. She blames herself for it, but the blame isn't hers alone. Her own deeply personal and traumatic reasons for sexual reluctance aside, the fact is that I find the rewards of sex with another woman to be disproportionate to the amount of work. This is probably because it is not my baseline erotic state--I am not homoerotic--so, while it is great for spice and the occasional turn-on, and a wonderful sharing of intimacy, lesbian sex is not something I want daily. Daily dick, yes. A steady diet of woman, no. In my buffet of sensuality, men are the meat and potatoes, and women are the dessert.

I've been eating dessert less and less often the past 4 years, and I'm starving for a meal. Which is another very good reason to remain celibate. In my current state of mental and emotional flux, I might be compelled to put myself at-risk in ways I normally would not. Fate has intervened in the form of a friend who put himself out there as an erotic heat-sink of sorts. I've never been one for online sex as an outlet, so our occasional erotica-email exchanges have freed me to fantasize about sex in my mind as much as I need, while still remaining (mostly) focused on resolution/closure of this phase of my life.