Cognac talking
In an effort to perpetuate the delightful experience and ambiance of New Year's Day, I am listening to Louie Armstrong and Duke Ellington, the 4-CD "Complete Sessions" collection, sipping Courvoisier XO and eating herbed goat cheese on toast. The cognac is smooth and warming, and I am beginning to relax. It feels very cold outside, with the wind blowing, but the thermometer reads 42F/6C, which isn't that cold compared to other places in the world right now. We've been told to expect snow on Saturday, but I won't get too excited about it. I just hope that if the temperatures keep hovering in the 10 degrees just above- and below- freezing range, that we don't end up with layers of ice and snow again like last year.
I have been reading about the devestation in Southeast Asia. I am so grateful it did not happen here! It would be horrifying to survive such a nightmarish event. Living here, along the Pacific Rim, within the Ring of Fire, and Mt St Helens erupting quietly nearby, slowly re-filling its crater with lava, gives me pause. I am checking my emergency kit this weekend, to make sure I am as prepared as I can be for an earthquake or volcanic eruption. The series of big storms in the Midwest is going to be tragic, though on a smaller scale than Aisa...there are people without electrical power in sub-zero temperatures, who will be without power for 10 days.
My company is doing a 100% match of all contributions from employees to the tsunami relief effort, so I of course, I am sending money. There are so many people missing, and the spread of disease is going to be quick and nasty in that warm climate. I expect cholera and shigella, at the very least.
Monday I saw one of the specialists my PCP referred me to. This Dr specializes in treating infertility, which is the main reason why women seek medical care for ovarian problems like mine. Of course, the first question he asked me was if I wanted to get pregnant. My first response was to laugh and say "God no!" Then I told him that I will soon be 37 and while I like the strong libido that is a courtesy of all of the androgens floating in my system, I am also aware that 15 more years of this and my quality of life will be in the toilet... so I'd like a non-surgical treatment for my damned ovaries. I told him flat out that I HATE taking meds, but that there is one I have been asking to try for 5 years and Kaiser just took it off the experimental list for treatment of my specific problem. I told him what I wanted, why I considered its effects to be desirable, that I am aware of its possible side-effects, and that I was willing to cut a deal with him, if necessary.
He said "I have no problem with prescribing M, but I want to put you on birth control pills." ARGH! I knew it! I told him that being on the pill makes me moody, and it never made any difference in the past. He said it is the only way they have of turning my ovaries off, and in combination with drug M and drug G, which he also wants me to take, if I respond as well as we hope, he could probably take me off the pill after 6 months. I rolled my eyes and sighed then said ok, that I was willing to try it for six months. He rolled his eyes and mimicked me, his voice all breathy, making me laugh. I like him. I like the fact that he wasn't threatened by my assertiveness, didn't take offense to my reluctance to assume a "doctor knows best" posture, and tried to make me lighten up. I expect I was rather intense.
He also gave me a pelvic exam (with the proper speculum), palpated my goddamned ovaries, and listened attentively to my concerns about being sexually active with men again. He said the pelvic exam that my PCP did in November came back negative for everything, and that there doesn't appear to be any sign of endometriosis, so sex should not be painful. He did warn me about two things: One, that my cervix is lower than in most women, and I might want to ask any prospective partners to take care. To this I nodded and winced. The second thing he said is that I should be aware that if I responded to this treatment as hoped, it is possible I might actually become fertile, in which case I would need to take precautions if I did go off the Pill.
How odd. My entire adult life I have been told I was infertile, and because of it I'd decided never to marry (isn't that what marriage is for, starting a family?), and then he tells me there is a chance that might change. He let me sit and think for a few minutes, and then I asked him about getting my tubes tied, if it did turn out that way. He said, "You've never married and you've never had a child. You've got another 7 or 8 healthy childbearing years left. Something might change between now and then." I felt sad all of a sudden. I told him he was right, something might change, but we both know there is a > 50% chance that I'd pass on the genes for this condition, and I wouldn't want to feel responsible for someone else having to live with it. I told him that I know some people say that having children means a lifetime of selfless acts, but sometimes...sometimes the most selfless thing a person can do is chose not to have children.
I cancelled my therapy appointment for tomorrow. There is no way I can make it: work is too nuts. I've had very little time for contemplation and I'm stressed enough as it is without sweating my way through the past. I'll try for early February. I hope. I have an endocrinology appoinment on the 18th, which I should be able to keep. Since my goddamned ovaries are wrecking such havoc with my endocrine system, I'm supposed to have a follow-up once a year. I skipped it in 2003. I skipped it in 2004, but they have been calling me twice a week for the past month, leaving messages. They finally caught me at work and told me what day I was seeing the doc, and giving me the choice of two times. Heh. The physician's assistant would not take "I'm too busy at work" for an answer. Smart woman.
Things are going ok with Stephanie, we are still having ups and downs, but nothing like 3 months ago. She's still so territorial and prone to bouts of jealousy. She accuses me of being dishonest with her about my feelings, but she doesn't want my honesty, either. She tells me that she will be very mad if I find someone so soon after our break-up. I am proud of her self-honesty. She said she wants me to be happy, but she is still mad that things didn't work out between us and she doesn't want to hear that I am happy and in love with someone else.
We have good moments and bad, and slowly, slowly she is coming around. I hope she finds a lover soon, though it is unlikely. Attractive as she is, she could find a lover in the lesbian community here in Portland very easily. But she's rarely attracted to gay women...she's attracted to straight women. Grr. I don't understand it, but there it is.
*sip* Here's to 2005. Here's to cognac talking.
I have been reading about the devestation in Southeast Asia. I am so grateful it did not happen here! It would be horrifying to survive such a nightmarish event. Living here, along the Pacific Rim, within the Ring of Fire, and Mt St Helens erupting quietly nearby, slowly re-filling its crater with lava, gives me pause. I am checking my emergency kit this weekend, to make sure I am as prepared as I can be for an earthquake or volcanic eruption. The series of big storms in the Midwest is going to be tragic, though on a smaller scale than Aisa...there are people without electrical power in sub-zero temperatures, who will be without power for 10 days.
My company is doing a 100% match of all contributions from employees to the tsunami relief effort, so I of course, I am sending money. There are so many people missing, and the spread of disease is going to be quick and nasty in that warm climate. I expect cholera and shigella, at the very least.
Monday I saw one of the specialists my PCP referred me to. This Dr specializes in treating infertility, which is the main reason why women seek medical care for ovarian problems like mine. Of course, the first question he asked me was if I wanted to get pregnant. My first response was to laugh and say "God no!" Then I told him that I will soon be 37 and while I like the strong libido that is a courtesy of all of the androgens floating in my system, I am also aware that 15 more years of this and my quality of life will be in the toilet... so I'd like a non-surgical treatment for my damned ovaries. I told him flat out that I HATE taking meds, but that there is one I have been asking to try for 5 years and Kaiser just took it off the experimental list for treatment of my specific problem. I told him what I wanted, why I considered its effects to be desirable, that I am aware of its possible side-effects, and that I was willing to cut a deal with him, if necessary.
He said "I have no problem with prescribing M, but I want to put you on birth control pills." ARGH! I knew it! I told him that being on the pill makes me moody, and it never made any difference in the past. He said it is the only way they have of turning my ovaries off, and in combination with drug M and drug G, which he also wants me to take, if I respond as well as we hope, he could probably take me off the pill after 6 months. I rolled my eyes and sighed then said ok, that I was willing to try it for six months. He rolled his eyes and mimicked me, his voice all breathy, making me laugh. I like him. I like the fact that he wasn't threatened by my assertiveness, didn't take offense to my reluctance to assume a "doctor knows best" posture, and tried to make me lighten up. I expect I was rather intense.
He also gave me a pelvic exam (with the proper speculum), palpated my goddamned ovaries, and listened attentively to my concerns about being sexually active with men again. He said the pelvic exam that my PCP did in November came back negative for everything, and that there doesn't appear to be any sign of endometriosis, so sex should not be painful. He did warn me about two things: One, that my cervix is lower than in most women, and I might want to ask any prospective partners to take care. To this I nodded and winced. The second thing he said is that I should be aware that if I responded to this treatment as hoped, it is possible I might actually become fertile, in which case I would need to take precautions if I did go off the Pill.
How odd. My entire adult life I have been told I was infertile, and because of it I'd decided never to marry (isn't that what marriage is for, starting a family?), and then he tells me there is a chance that might change. He let me sit and think for a few minutes, and then I asked him about getting my tubes tied, if it did turn out that way. He said, "You've never married and you've never had a child. You've got another 7 or 8 healthy childbearing years left. Something might change between now and then." I felt sad all of a sudden. I told him he was right, something might change, but we both know there is a > 50% chance that I'd pass on the genes for this condition, and I wouldn't want to feel responsible for someone else having to live with it. I told him that I know some people say that having children means a lifetime of selfless acts, but sometimes...sometimes the most selfless thing a person can do is chose not to have children.
I cancelled my therapy appointment for tomorrow. There is no way I can make it: work is too nuts. I've had very little time for contemplation and I'm stressed enough as it is without sweating my way through the past. I'll try for early February. I hope. I have an endocrinology appoinment on the 18th, which I should be able to keep. Since my goddamned ovaries are wrecking such havoc with my endocrine system, I'm supposed to have a follow-up once a year. I skipped it in 2003. I skipped it in 2004, but they have been calling me twice a week for the past month, leaving messages. They finally caught me at work and told me what day I was seeing the doc, and giving me the choice of two times. Heh. The physician's assistant would not take "I'm too busy at work" for an answer. Smart woman.
Things are going ok with Stephanie, we are still having ups and downs, but nothing like 3 months ago. She's still so territorial and prone to bouts of jealousy. She accuses me of being dishonest with her about my feelings, but she doesn't want my honesty, either. She tells me that she will be very mad if I find someone so soon after our break-up. I am proud of her self-honesty. She said she wants me to be happy, but she is still mad that things didn't work out between us and she doesn't want to hear that I am happy and in love with someone else.
We have good moments and bad, and slowly, slowly she is coming around. I hope she finds a lover soon, though it is unlikely. Attractive as she is, she could find a lover in the lesbian community here in Portland very easily. But she's rarely attracted to gay women...she's attracted to straight women. Grr. I don't understand it, but there it is.
*sip* Here's to 2005. Here's to cognac talking.
posted by KR | 1/06/2005 08:30:00 PM
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