On feeling smothered

In retrospect, I knew the breakup was coming for quite some time, whether consciously or not. Even before we moved I talked about having space of my own. I wanted my own closet, my own dresser, my own bathroom. I have been fighting a smothered feeling for quite some time now.

There are many reasons for this smothered feeling... I realize this as I explore it... First and foremost I am smothering under the weight of being me, of my pensiveness, of being too languid and epicurean.

I also feel smothered from holding things in/back in my dealings with S. because I find the emotional backlash too painful.

I think I am feeling smothered because I have allowed my perception of her wants and deeds to crowd out my own. I have been feeling that there wasn't any room for ME in US. I was feeling like she was always wanting and needing -- not quite like Dottie, but in a similar, high-maintenance sort of way.

I have been feeling smothered by a sense of failure, as well, I realize. I have been feeling like I shouldn't bother trying because I won't succeed anyway, and there is disappointment awaiting at either end. Intellectually, I know that the real failure is in not trying at all, because in not trying I lose the opportunity to learn from the experience and hopefully succeed another time. But emotionall, that sense of pre-destined failure haunts me, demoralizes me, and de-motivates me.

My relationship is over, and I am in a position to do some introspection and learn about myself, my flaws, and my strengths. I can't change the past, but I can value it by learning from it. I can't change the past, but I can try again to be the friend that S. lost when we became lovers, despite our best intentions.

The smothering must stop, and only I can stop it.