Thought of the day: "Know your limitations and adjust your expectations accordingly."

My healthcare provider is currently Kaiser Permanente. Some people don't like HMOs--I do. And I really don't have any complaints about HMOs, just one piece of advice: If you're going to use an HMO, you have to learn to be assertive, rather than passive, when it comes to your health and getting the care you feel you deserve.

I'm currently taking a five week "Weight Management Class" at Kaiser. I've just finished my second class. There are 10 people in the group, and we've got some good dynamics going. There are basically three types in the group. Some people are combinations, but the three basic types are:

1) mostly fit, slightly overweight, and trying to nip it early,

2) on medications that affect appetite/metabolism/weight,

3) obese for more than 5 years and trying to reclaim their lives.

I fit in the latter category, no question.

So. Second class and we talked tonight about food diaries and food choices, and about goal-setting. Here are my thoughts: A food diary is doable. It can be a bother, but I don't have to do it every day, so it is less of a chore. Making healthy food choices is a more work, but still doable. I can't do most 'diet' products because Aspartame (Nutrasweet) gives me migraines, and since I'm insulin-resistant, the traditional low-calorie carb-based (think traditional food-triangle) diet is contra-indicated. I'm supposed to eat one portion of protein for every two carbs, while trying to keep the fat intake down. Difficult, but doable.

Then we discussed Goals. Now that was the sticker for me. I found myself wondering: Why am I feeling so ambivalent about setting goals? Thinking back, I remember the goals I've set and achieved, and the let-down. I think that is it. The let-down. Does this make sense? I set a goal, I get psyched, motivated, and run with it. I achieve the goal. Then I ask myself, Now what?

So maybe the answer is that I need to set my goals higher. Someone said that it is the striving toward a goal that makes us grow, and that is what is important, really, not the achieving of the goal. But if I aim too high, I get discouraged. If I can achieve it, I don't want it. If I can't achieve it, I give it up as unattainable. What an impossible, self-sabotaging cycle. My maternal uncle once told me "No expectations, no disappointments." I thought it was a terribly pragmatic and profoundly sad maxim. I still do. Have I internalized it? Perhaps.

I'm sitting here, contemplating the navel of my mind. I am a mystery to myself. "The unexamined life is not worth living," says Socrates. I'm a sporadic self-examiner. There are too many closed and barred doors, too many little pandoran boxes. I really don't want to open anything that will set the personal demons free. Oh, I know there are places untouched by the past, by social conditioning, by emotions. I've touched such places a few times on my journeys of self-exploration. I've taken the first step or two on that road and I need to keep following it, inspite of myself. It is time.

I took careful notes about the goals-setting. I've never really talked to anyone, or listened to anyone, about the how-to of setting goals. Goals have always sprung forth from my unconscious fully-formed, like a child of Zeus. I learned tonight what distinguises goals from dreams and whimsy. A Real Goal has four characteristics: 1) It is measurable. 2) It is sustainable. 3) It is desirable. 4) It is specific. If any of those characteristics is missing, it isn't a true Goal.

I learned that it takes one to three years of constant maintanance to make a lasting behaviour change.

I learned that, in regards to goals and stages of change, it is important to:
-make small changes
-make it fun
-reward myself
-be kind to myself