Flow

Flow...

After 14 months of therapy and contemplation, I am in a rapid-evolution mode. Turn and turn-about. Take a position, contemplate it, let it go. Seeking always that balance, that middle way, between indulgent abandonment and stern renunciation. While experiencing them both, as excessive self-indugence and exclusive self-denial lead to fear of loss, and thus unnecessary suffering. I am learning what it is to just 'be'.

Flow...

Its all transient. Its all beautiful. I do not mourn the flowers that bloom and die in a day, I celebrate them. This is the model of life I want to emulate. I am learning to be content to live in the moment and let what will be to be. Like a child at play, free of care, so enthusiastically in the moment that she is contagious with joy.


Flow...

I am learning to be comfortable with being a woman, grudgingly acknolwedging that being womanly and attractive can feel good, and I that need to recognize it as a source of strength and power, rather than the opposite.

Flow...

Clinging/wanting/needing/craving--these create suffering, not desire. And so I reconsile myself with that force which connects us to our own divinity--desire--living each vibrant moment as it comes, hoping it will last forever and trying not to mourn too deeply as it passes. In a heartbeat is another moment, another opportunity to experience the heart-breaking beauty of life, another moment in which the only certainty is that it will end, as all things are bound to end. Practicing acceptance of my inability to control or deny that force which is change and which some also name entropy.

Flow...

Each of my relationships is an entity; each has a life of its own, is created moment-to-moment by those I am involved with. And I find that something in me is quietly delighted by these ineffable, indefinable, and incredibly unique creations, despite the inevitable moments of intense discomfort. I struggle to allow these nebulous, nuanced friendships to flow along their uncharted and mutable courses, struggling to keep my skittish ego and my need for control out of the equation, struggling to allow them to just be--no expectations, no restrictions. Simply taking delight in what arises.

Flow...

In letting go of one thing, it is transformed into another. I accept that this fundamental law of physics and energy pertains to me. Life is a cycle, and so is Love.

Flow...

I accept that I am as flawed and frustrating as any other being, perhaps more so. Certainly, I am more selfishly committed than most to my Hedonistic Creed: That Pleasure and Happiness are the Fruit and Goal of Living. A creed, I have learned, that is oddly not in conflict with dharma-practice.

Flow...

Into a new year...