Descent into Hell

The Descent into Hell has begun. I have entered that period at work where I wonder why it is that I have taken a job where for 3 months of my life I have no life other than work, because I am too mentally exhausted and strung out on adrenaline to do anything else. But, I got a raise. Goes into effect this pay period. Interesting that. I realized that since September 2004 I've gotten a 14% increase in pay. So I feel less interested in complaining. Sure, I'd love to make another 20k or 30k a year, but, its only money. And I'd probably piss it away.

Had therapy Monday. She asked how things were going. I told her they were going ok, mostly stressed from work, but also feeling this urge to reconsile with my father but at the same time very ambivalent about it. She asked why and I told her he's so toxic that I feel like whenever he touches my life he infects it. And I've worked so hard at 'being' calm and at peace instead of just wearing the mask of it. She asked more questions that lead me to look down into that well of rage...and back away from it. Yes, there is a lot of emotion tied to him, and what I would like to do is find a way to come to peace with the way I feel, rather than him. Because as awful as it sounds, I really don't care about him. We talked about my anger, the source of it, I told her I've been angry with him/didliked since earliest memory and its never gotten better. I have no good memories of him. I have nothing to remember him by that I wish to recall. And that is a pity.

Had a major falling-out with Nic yesterday. Not sure if either of us is going to be willing to cross the gulf that appeared, and truth be told, I'm not sure I want to. I love the man, but we're in difference places in our lives, with different value-systems, and distinctly different ideas about communication. I hate it when he steps into daddy dom mode and tries to coddle me, shush me, or even worse, tell me what is best for me *growl* But he is just one year out of a 20-year marriage, he has a daughter not much younger than me, and he's got his own issues. He shouldn't use me as an excuse not to deal with his own problems, and I don't need his emotional baggage tossed at me in the guise of wisdom. I am a "delightful mix of naiveté and sophistication" he says, but he forgets how childlike I am in so many ways. He gets on those ego trips and plays his Dom mind-games and then he gets pissed off when I take him literally, not realizing he is teasing me, or psyching me. Cyn laughs, thinks it is funny -- he is so transparent to her, but then she has known him so long. I wonder if I am so touchy with Nic because he is so paternal toward me nowadays? I warned him I do NOT want a Daddy. But it seems like if he can't fuck me, he'll 'daddy' me instead. So time to take a giant step backwards and get some distance before we end up hating each other. *end rant*