Allowing others to grow
As a consequence of the argument Friday night, I got very drunk. I started out having a glass of wine because I'd had a wonderful evening and it seemed a lovely way to end the day. I got my feelings hurt, had another glass of wine, finishing the bottle. Steph got in my face, I switched to scotch. Bad Idea. It used to be that I never drank when I was upset or in a mood. I grew up watching people using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate, and swore I would never do it. But the past year I've done it a few times. She seems to get in my face when I'm having a drink, and pretty soon I'm heading down a dark road without headlights.
Part of the psychosis, we both recognise, is that we are togther 24-7. Her desk is across the aisle from mine, her bedroom across the foyer from mine. We have the same friends, the same interests, enjoy the same restaurants--so even our leisure time seems to be spent together. We've done some talking about moving out, about changing things around at work. Work is easy enough... tomorrow she and one of the needier people I am mentoring are changing desks and that will help. Its gotten to the point where the sound of her voice grates on my nerves.
With regards to getting separate places...she's never lived with an ex. She's never tried to remain friends with an ex. She's always gotten tweaked running into her ex's new lovers. Its her nature to be that way, to be territorial, to be stubborn, to hold on to her hurt and wronged-feelings. And it is mine to be fluid, mutable, to adapt. My coping mechanisms from childhood still drive me to try to control my environment and the people in it, to try to make things harmonious and less stressful for me. So I change--a lot. And she doesn't like change. She needs to get used to something over time. Like a cat, she is startled by unauthorized changes... she stalks the new things, sniffs at them, turns her nose up at them, scratches, nibbles, and eventually, when she realizes that its not going to change, so she had better get used to it, she rubs her cheeks against it to mark it as her territory, thus accepting it.
We talked this weekend about how I never give her a chance to grow, to change -- I'm always shifting, changing, presenting her with some new aspect to things just when she is getting used to the previous version, because my solution to discomfort is to 'fix it now' by trying something else. With tears in her eyes she told me that I make her feel like a child, that it seemed I had no faith that she could change or grow, and it made her angry and despondent. I told her it wasn't like that... I told her that I have no right asking or expecting someone else to change or grow, only myself. She said I need to stop it. I need to allow the people in my life to grow. She's right, I think. I'm getting weedy growing in so many directions -- I'm losing my center. And I don't want to become my chameleonic mother -- I don't want the people in my life wondering who the real me is.
Ideally, we would each be living alone. But economically it is very advantageous to share expenses, and even more importantly, it is safer. A woman living alone is a target. And I never feel safe when I live alone. If we moved apart, we would probably end up getting roommates, which involves getting to know someone else and their problems and quirks. So, much as I would like it in so much as I really need my solitude, there are compelling reasons why living alone is not likely to happen.
We've agreed to work out basic expectations of each other as roommates. We are rolling things back, stepping out of the intimacy and the expectations of each other as friends and former lovers. Adn we will proceed from there. This will give her guidelines to follow, knowing I cannot change them, not without her consent. It means I'm not going to stop dating just becaase she's having trouble getting used to the idea. It means she will stop coming into my room uninvited. It means I will stop touching her when we talk, because she finds it too evocative. It will be interesting to see how it works.
Part of the psychosis, we both recognise, is that we are togther 24-7. Her desk is across the aisle from mine, her bedroom across the foyer from mine. We have the same friends, the same interests, enjoy the same restaurants--so even our leisure time seems to be spent together. We've done some talking about moving out, about changing things around at work. Work is easy enough... tomorrow she and one of the needier people I am mentoring are changing desks and that will help. Its gotten to the point where the sound of her voice grates on my nerves.
With regards to getting separate places...she's never lived with an ex. She's never tried to remain friends with an ex. She's always gotten tweaked running into her ex's new lovers. Its her nature to be that way, to be territorial, to be stubborn, to hold on to her hurt and wronged-feelings. And it is mine to be fluid, mutable, to adapt. My coping mechanisms from childhood still drive me to try to control my environment and the people in it, to try to make things harmonious and less stressful for me. So I change--a lot. And she doesn't like change. She needs to get used to something over time. Like a cat, she is startled by unauthorized changes... she stalks the new things, sniffs at them, turns her nose up at them, scratches, nibbles, and eventually, when she realizes that its not going to change, so she had better get used to it, she rubs her cheeks against it to mark it as her territory, thus accepting it.
We talked this weekend about how I never give her a chance to grow, to change -- I'm always shifting, changing, presenting her with some new aspect to things just when she is getting used to the previous version, because my solution to discomfort is to 'fix it now' by trying something else. With tears in her eyes she told me that I make her feel like a child, that it seemed I had no faith that she could change or grow, and it made her angry and despondent. I told her it wasn't like that... I told her that I have no right asking or expecting someone else to change or grow, only myself. She said I need to stop it. I need to allow the people in my life to grow. She's right, I think. I'm getting weedy growing in so many directions -- I'm losing my center. And I don't want to become my chameleonic mother -- I don't want the people in my life wondering who the real me is.
Ideally, we would each be living alone. But economically it is very advantageous to share expenses, and even more importantly, it is safer. A woman living alone is a target. And I never feel safe when I live alone. If we moved apart, we would probably end up getting roommates, which involves getting to know someone else and their problems and quirks. So, much as I would like it in so much as I really need my solitude, there are compelling reasons why living alone is not likely to happen.
We've agreed to work out basic expectations of each other as roommates. We are rolling things back, stepping out of the intimacy and the expectations of each other as friends and former lovers. Adn we will proceed from there. This will give her guidelines to follow, knowing I cannot change them, not without her consent. It means I'm not going to stop dating just becaase she's having trouble getting used to the idea. It means she will stop coming into my room uninvited. It means I will stop touching her when we talk, because she finds it too evocative. It will be interesting to see how it works.
posted by KR | 7/14/2005 07:36:00 AM
2 Comments:
Very interesting post. I liked it.
I'm not sure defining your personalities as different justifies the trouble you've had as roommates. If it's trouble to find a new roommate maybe you both have problems getting along with people in general. I have been around people 24/7 that I don't fight with (I tend to never fight with anyone though). Well, I don't get upset at them, but I pursue things when they're upset. It's interesting, hah.
Anyway, I think there are actual issues you can fix instead of just saying you like change and she likes stability so it isn't working. Not that you two are being at all abnormally troublesome to each other given your situation. It sounds like she's not adjusted her expectations to those of a friendship. That is tougher to do when you keep seeing the person all the time and have to detach habitual feelings and reactions to not just the person, but everywhere you go and everything you do. I don't know if you have the same problem letting go because I imagine you're the type of person to be "fluid" enough to not define things so much in the first place.
I like posts like this. Lets us get to know you and see how you deal with problems. Get into your MIND! Haha. What's the danger of living alone?
A woman living alone, travelling alone, walking alone--is a target. A friend of yours was recently raped, so it horrifies me that you could be so clueless as to ask " What's the danger of living alone?" But then, for as aware as you seem, you are still male, and do not know what it is to live with the daily awareness that there are people out there who want something you have and can take it from you, no matter how hard you fight them, because they are bigger and stronger than you are.
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