Therapy Session
Therapy was very intense. First we covered my progress on healthcare issues and lack of progress on work-related stress. Then we talked about what I'd been doing on my own the past 2 months with contemplation and meditation, and the things I had learned. We talked about the Demming-breakthrough, and she did not comment as to whether or not there was more to deal with there. I think she figures if there is, it is going to come up.
She said that she agrees with my self-assessments that I need to continue pushing through therapy and that I am not ready for a relationship. My past relationships have all been different and (mostly) healthy, but there are patterns--I tended to focus entirely on my partner and our relationship, often to my own detriment. She said that I need to choose where I put my energy, and that remaining celibate and single are evidence of my commitment to healing and therapy.
I told her about some of the people in my life who are important parts of my support system / network, and particularly on the ones whom I feel are potential love-interests. She said that as long as I am clear about my needs and my inability to pursue a relationship at this time, and as long as they are not pressuring me for more than I can comfortably give, then she doesn't see a reason why these people who are so important to me cannot continue to be a part of my life--provided of course that they want to remain a part of it under those terms. She said Chad's words "Love will wait for healing...but it may not be the same person waiting when you are ready" are very wise and very true.
She also said I need to let go of my attempts to control everything--this is an ingrained stress-response and the only way to break it is to cultivate awareness of it, and be compassionate with myself as I struggle against that very powerful urge. She also said I need understand on an emotional level that I am not responsible for the feelings or actions of others, just my own. She said my tendancy to try to accept responsibility for things beyond my control (such as the responses of people to my actions or those of others) is an attempt to seize control and to manipulate others into relinquishing responsibility for, and control of, themselves to me.
We discussed Thoughts Without A Thinker and my attempts to integrate buddhist thought and meditation practice into my western-style cognitive contemplation. She approved of the journal writing. She agreed also with my assessment with regards to attention and distrust. She said there is more there though, she said that as a child I had a lot of unmet needs that are still unmet today, and that in order to heal I will I need to identify them and find ways to meet those needs myself.
We discussed my subconscious, and my seeming inability to tackle it. I told her that I am very frustrated that there is so much in my subconscious that drives me, and I can't get a handle on it, I can't communicate with it. She said that isn't necessarily so, she said that dreams are an excellent point of acess to the subconscious. She asked me to tell her about some of my non-erotic dreams. So I told her about the dream about the fight between my father and my sisters. I had thought that it was just my subconscious leaking that I was still angry with Greg and had not forgiven him, but she said that her understanding was very different. She said that the characters in the dream were my own personas, that my 'father' was my Animus and my 'sisters' were playing out the part of my Anima. She smiled and said it was a very good dream because it illustrated the internal conflict between the controlling, dominant, cerebral Animus and my feminine, chaotic, emotional and much repressed Anima. She chuckled and said my punching my Animus in the balls was my subsconscious giving me a wake-up call. My anger, my "Why didn't you listen, you made me do this, you made me hurt you" outrage is the voice of my subconscious--I need to give my Anima room, stop allowing my Animus to rule me so entirely, or it may be forced to desperate action.
She stated that it is time for "deep work", ie, time to work with my subconscious, with my Jungian shadow and my repressed Anima. She said she would recommend sessions a couple of times a week to pick up momentum on what I've done on my own the past 2 months, but its not possible. So we'll meet every other Friday. I am to continue meditation, contemplation, and writing, get more exercise, and try to facilitate dreams. She said they are the best access to my subconscious right now.
She said that she agrees with my self-assessments that I need to continue pushing through therapy and that I am not ready for a relationship. My past relationships have all been different and (mostly) healthy, but there are patterns--I tended to focus entirely on my partner and our relationship, often to my own detriment. She said that I need to choose where I put my energy, and that remaining celibate and single are evidence of my commitment to healing and therapy.
I told her about some of the people in my life who are important parts of my support system / network, and particularly on the ones whom I feel are potential love-interests. She said that as long as I am clear about my needs and my inability to pursue a relationship at this time, and as long as they are not pressuring me for more than I can comfortably give, then she doesn't see a reason why these people who are so important to me cannot continue to be a part of my life--provided of course that they want to remain a part of it under those terms. She said Chad's words "Love will wait for healing...but it may not be the same person waiting when you are ready" are very wise and very true.
She also said I need to let go of my attempts to control everything--this is an ingrained stress-response and the only way to break it is to cultivate awareness of it, and be compassionate with myself as I struggle against that very powerful urge. She also said I need understand on an emotional level that I am not responsible for the feelings or actions of others, just my own. She said my tendancy to try to accept responsibility for things beyond my control (such as the responses of people to my actions or those of others) is an attempt to seize control and to manipulate others into relinquishing responsibility for, and control of, themselves to me.
We discussed Thoughts Without A Thinker and my attempts to integrate buddhist thought and meditation practice into my western-style cognitive contemplation. She approved of the journal writing. She agreed also with my assessment with regards to attention and distrust. She said there is more there though, she said that as a child I had a lot of unmet needs that are still unmet today, and that in order to heal I will I need to identify them and find ways to meet those needs myself.
We discussed my subconscious, and my seeming inability to tackle it. I told her that I am very frustrated that there is so much in my subconscious that drives me, and I can't get a handle on it, I can't communicate with it. She said that isn't necessarily so, she said that dreams are an excellent point of acess to the subconscious. She asked me to tell her about some of my non-erotic dreams. So I told her about the dream about the fight between my father and my sisters. I had thought that it was just my subconscious leaking that I was still angry with Greg and had not forgiven him, but she said that her understanding was very different. She said that the characters in the dream were my own personas, that my 'father' was my Animus and my 'sisters' were playing out the part of my Anima. She smiled and said it was a very good dream because it illustrated the internal conflict between the controlling, dominant, cerebral Animus and my feminine, chaotic, emotional and much repressed Anima. She chuckled and said my punching my Animus in the balls was my subsconscious giving me a wake-up call. My anger, my "Why didn't you listen, you made me do this, you made me hurt you" outrage is the voice of my subconscious--I need to give my Anima room, stop allowing my Animus to rule me so entirely, or it may be forced to desperate action.
She stated that it is time for "deep work", ie, time to work with my subconscious, with my Jungian shadow and my repressed Anima. She said she would recommend sessions a couple of times a week to pick up momentum on what I've done on my own the past 2 months, but its not possible. So we'll meet every other Friday. I am to continue meditation, contemplation, and writing, get more exercise, and try to facilitate dreams. She said they are the best access to my subconscious right now.
posted by KR | 3/04/2005 05:28:00 PM
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