Strain

I feel like my life is split. I lead divergent lives. They touch at my core, and yet, they are so separate. I try not to let them touch.

There is work, where I am professional, when I am so efficient and so very good at what I do. I do not socialize with the people I work with much. I prefer not to be overly familiar with colleagues, lest my true nature become known and the tongues wag.

There is family, where I am the big sister and the mother-figure. I try to be there, try to cope with the sundry emergencies; with Tess' bi-polar outbursts and Tamar's chronic illness. Which is taking its toll. She is now talking about how she isn't going to do anything top hurt herself, but she really just wants to be with Mom. Which means she has given up and wants to die. She's tired, depressed, she is in contant pain. She needs help just getting off the toilet. She will not go back to the hospital. So she is slowly starving and I'm feeling helpless again. She's lost two dress sizes since I left MA. She and Tess are both missing Mom and Grandmother, whose birthdays are coming up and were just a week apart. Time for that funk...

There is my personal life. Such wonderful friends. I am so blessed. They help me in my struggle to remain bouyant, to ride the waves that slap at me. I will not be swamped, and I know they would come help me bail, if I was. That is love. I just feel so heavy right now. Heavy with sorrow. And yet I've so many sources of joy, and I try to remind myself I've so much to celebrate.

I know I'm tired. I know work is insane. I am living for May 1. I've promised myself and my partners that I'll begin my creative endeavors then. I requested that third week in May off from work back in January. I don;t doubt it is still mine if I want it. What to do, that is the question.

Alas. The word 'help' keeps running around my brain in 6 languages. Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something. I am not sure how much longer I can keep work compartmentalized. The strain of trying to be Pollyanna at work and not let the other stuff interfere is beginning to show. I was in tears just before lunch, and trying to fend off all the concerned faces.