Drama drama drama

Stephanie and I had a huge argument Thursday night. She was PMSing so badly that to say she was irrational and emotionally unbalanced is a massive understatement. One a scale of 1 - 10 on the hormonally unhinged scale, I would say she was a 9. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, or a ship caught in the maelstrom. I tried to stay calm, and that just pissed her off. I tried to get her to keep her distance, but she didn't. I tried asking her to respect my space and stay out of my room, but she wouldn't. I tried not to let her push my buttons, but I finally grew frustrated and impatient and angry, and reacted out of that place.

And once I started reacting to her on her level, things went downhill VERY fast. It got physical. I tried restraining her, which enraged her even more. When I found myself grabbing her by the neck, and felt her freeze, I knew it was time to leave. She tried to stop me, kept telling me to close the door, that we weren't done, but I finally put both hands around her neck and brought my face up close and told her that I was fantasizing about putting a plastic bag over her head and throwing her body in the river, and if she didn't let me go for a walk, the fantasy might just become a reality.

I went for a walk, and the cool air and movement cleared my head. I felt like such a monster, standing there on the edge of that precipice, facing that dark, raging side of myself, the Harpy within. I felt so very sad and disappointed in myself. When I got back home, I hugged Stephanie and asked her to try to forgive me, then went to my room and climbed into bed and cried.
I thank the gods that Matt was home when I called, so he could talk me out of the abyss I was falling into. If there is anyone who understands my darkness, it is he. We have been friends for 14 years now and we understand each other in ways few men and women ever do. I am grateful for his friendship.